The Pataki Bride
by Chudney
Summary: The parody we all thought was dead, much like the 1980s themselves, has returned. Back to the dry wit, the swordfights, the evil schemes, the cocklewarming romantic drama or lack thereof, and anachronisms galore. Mildly violent action, but not much.
1. In which Arnold has A Cold, and so on

  
  


As if all we ever needed was yet another parody of **The Princess Bride**, here's my version. (If you haven't seen the movie, do it now! Jump on the bandwagon! Be a conformist!! Sorry...that was a rather shameless plug.) But first, I ought to warn anyone reading this: 

This story may be quite long before it's over, if it ever actually ends (despite the fact that some parts are relatively short and therefore stuck two or three at a time in chapters.) Plus, I'm usually too lazy to update.

It isn't _entirely_ original...I stole plenty of material and ideas and direct quotes from the book and the movie. (Sorry Mr. Morganstern and Mr. Goldman) Heck, it's a parody. What do you expect?

And I don't own anything even remotely connected to the Hey Arnold cartoon. Not unless a plastic football counts. However, I_ do_ enjoy using the characters for my own fiendish devices when writing...(Sorry, Mr. Bartlett) Anyway, I guess this qualifies as a big, fat disclaimer. It applies to the whole story, just so's ya know.

Well, that covers the important stuff. All that's left now is to read this silly thing. Enjoy :)

  
  
  
  


**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  


**1**

**_ A Cold...And What Came Of It: _**

  
  


Arnold lay in bed, coughing and sneezing. He groaned and flopped around on the pillow, trying his best to get comfortable. There was a knock at the door and Arnold's grandpa entered, carrying a tray with cookies and milk. After he put the tray on the end of Arnold's bed, he pulled over a chair to sit on. "Feeling any better, Short Man?" he asked.

Arnold sighed. "Nope. I still feel awful. I'm miserable, my throat hurts from coughing, and I can't get to sleep, no matter how hard I try." He grumbled again. "I HATE being sick."

"Well, Arnold...that's a shame," Grandpa said, sympathetically. "Seeing you in this horrible state of affairs kind of reminds me of the time I came down with the Bubonic Plague, back in the winter of 1926--although come to think of it, I guess it might've been the chicken pox..... Anyway, I was so sick I couldn't move. Stayed in bed for two weeks. My best friend Jimmy Kafka came to see me--said he thought I was _faking_. And do you know what I told him? Nothing!! I took one look at him and threw up all over his shoes!!" Grandpa slapped his knee and laughed. "_Mama Leone!!_...I never saw Jimmy get so mad in all my life! Woo-hoo-ha!..He didn't speak to me for a whole_ mon_....."

"Grandpa....." Arnold said, sternly.

Grandpa stopped laughing. "Oh...I'm sorry Arnold...I guess I'm not really helping your sad and sickly condition with crazy nostalgic stories of my youth, am I?"

"No, Grandpa...not really."

"Well, your Grandma sent up some milk and oatmeal raisin cookies--and between the two of us, be glad you missed dinner tonight. Never eat fresh clam chowder with refried beans. If you thought _raspberries_ were bad..." 

"Thanks, but I'm not very hungry." Arnold said. "I just want something to take my mind off this cold."

Grandpa took a bite of a cookie and thought for a minute. "Hmm....tell you what, Short Man--how would you like to hear a wonderful, magical yarn of a bedtime story that my father used to tell me when I was sick? Of course you would! You aren't doing squat right now, and I'm in a talkative mood...maybe it'll make you feel better. Or maybe it'll just bore you to sleep, like it did me. Heh-heh-heh!"

Arnold smiled and sat up a bit. "That might not be so bad. Sure, Grandpa...I'd like to hear it."

"Okay, then.....But I gotta warn ya'--this one's a _doozy_" Grandpa finished the cookie and Arnold's milk, then he cleared his throat, and began.

  
  
  
  


(Here, more or less, is the story he told.....Well, sorta.)

  
  
  
  


**2**

**_Helganna:_**

  
  


Once there was a young woman called Helganna, who lived on a farm in the valley of a prosperous little country known as Florin. Like all heroines in fairy tales, she was pretty enough...except she scowled a lot and didn't pay much attention to her looks. Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse, and tormenting the farm boy with the strangely-shaped head. His name was Arnold, but she never called him that. She usually addressed him as 'Yutz' or 'Bucko'....or her insult of choice; 'Football-Head.' Although he was about her age, and therefore really more of a young man than a boy--he had been orphaned as a child and worked for her father ever since--Helganna never treated him as an equal. It delighted her to order him around like a dog. "Football-Head, fetch me some water"; "Polish my horse's saddle, Football-Head. And hurry it up. I don't have all day."

"As you wish."

That was all he ever answered as he politely carried out her orders. "As you wish." Dry this, Football-Head. "As you wish." Carry that, Football-Head. "As you wish." He lived in a small hut out by the pig sty, and would read every night by candlelight. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


"_Uh, Grandpa," Arnold interrupted, "...are you sure this is the same story your father used to tell you?"_

_"Well, no...not exactly," his grandpa admitted. "Of course, I'm old and feeble and I forget things, so sometimes I have to make up new ones...like puttin' you in the story. I thought that might make it more interesting!"_

_"Actually, it makes me feel kind of weird..."_

_"... But the rest of it is pretty much the same as it was 70 years ago--or was it 71? Anyway..."_

  
  
  
  
  
  


"What does that 'Alfred' kid think he's doing, trying to educate himself?" Helganna's father, Bob, would sometimes say. "He's an orphan and a _servant_, for cryin' out loud! How'll a stinkin' education ever help _him_?"

"Dad.....his name's _Arnold_. And he works really hard around here." For reasons she didn't quite understand, Helganna always stood up for Arnold.....at least, behind his back. Somehow she felt as though she was the only one with a right to insult him.

"Whatever, Olgalia," Bob would answer--always referring to Helganna's older, perfect sister. (She was rich and successful, working for some kind of duchess, somewhere...but who really cares about _her_?)

Then, Helganna would roll her eyes, and excuse herself to go take a walk outside in the cool evening. As dusk approached, she could usually see the candlelight glowing from Arnold's window, and she wondered what new things he might be learning from his books. Sometimes she felt the urge to visit him and apologise for her constant rudeness and unkind remarks...but it was such _fun_ bossing him around--and besides, he didn't seem to care. All he ever said was "As you wish."

  
  
  
  



	2. In which we introduce The Lady, And Arno...

  
  


**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  


**3**

**_The Lady:_**

  
  


Things might have gone on this way for many years, if not for a highly unexpected circumstance that happened one day when Helganna was about nineteen. It had rained especially hard the night before, turning most of the valley into thick, sticky Florentine mud--that really gloopy kind that would stop a rampaging elephant in its tracks. (If they had _had_ elephants in those days, of course.) An aristocrat by the name of Lady Lila (who, I think, was some cousin of the king and otherwise hadn't done anything special to deserve the title of 'Lady') had chosen that particular morning to cross the countryside, and by some freak chance, her large, expensive carriage became stuck in the mud directly in front of Helganna's farm. Naturally, when the carriage stopped, the Lady Lila stepped out to see what the problem was...

...and promptly found _herself_ stuck in the mud as well. 

Then when she realised that her oh-so-perfectly-clean dress was getting covered in mud and gunk, she did the most lady-like thing in the world.

In other words, she began to scream at the top of her lungs. 

Helganna and her parents quickly came running, immediately followed by Arnold. Bob studied the situation, and put on his best manners (she was wealthy, after all, and he wondered if there was some way of getting a reward). "Aw, don't worry about a thing, your Grace," he said. "The farm boy and I'll take care of this."

"Farm boy?" Lady Lila began...but then she noticed Arnold, and a slow smile crept across her face. Subtlety had never been her strong point. She batted her eyelashes. "I'd appreciate it ever-so-much," she said, not taking her eyes from him. 

She didn't take her eyes away the entire time. 

The Lady watched Arnold as he helped to push the carriage back onto solid ground. She watched as he cleaned the mud from the wheels and horses. She especially watched as she sent him to be 'ever-so-kind' and fetch her a drink of water. Then while she drove away, Lady Lila blew him a kiss.

  
  
  
  


**4**

**_...And Arnold:_**

  
  


"_Criminy_!!" Helganna thought that evening as she lay on her bed. Why would Lady Lila keep watching him, watching him like that? She didn't know why it bothered her so much--but it did, and that angered her all the more. (Plus, that stupid kiss had been really annoying!) The Lady was young and rich and pretty enough...so why make such a fuss over a simple football-headed farm boy who fed pigs? 

Although--she had to admit he wasn't that bad to look at.....He was tall and blond and strong...and always wore a small smile on his face...and his eyes were the color of green jellybeans. (Yes, they had jellybeans in those days, even though no elephants yet.) And he was a nice guy...really and truly _nice_, who never complained and went out of the way to help however he could. Even after a long day of being tormented by her snide remarks, he wouldn't be a bit mad. And some spoiled aristocrat had the gall to _flirt_ with him! Well, wouldn't that little red-haired snot look funny in her ridiculously expensive dress, wallowing around in a muddy pig sty at Arnold's side? 

Helganna suddenly laughed at herself. She was acting jealous--actually _jealous_--of Lady Lila! Of all the silly things! It wasn't even as if Arnold had treated her special somehow. Not once had he answered _her_ requests with an 'As you wish'..... 

Helganna stopped laughing. 

Come to think of it, she had _never_ heard him say "As you wish" to anyone else. And he always said it the same way--looking directly at her, speaking those three little words in such a soft, earnest voice. 

Then, two shocking things dawned on her...all these years while Arnold had told her 'As you wish', might he possibly have _meant_...'I love you'?

...But even more surprising, she realised she truly loved _him_.

Helganna went straightaway to his hut and threw open the door without knocking. Arnold, somewhat startled, looked up from his reading. 

"I love you," she said. "I know that sounds completely _insane_, since all I've ever done is berate you and insult you and taunt you, but it's true. I've loved you from the day we met. At first, I thought I loved you more than anyone could ever possibly love somebody...but with each passing moment, I know that my love for you grows twice as strong as anything I felt the second before. I love you so much more now than I did even one minute ago, there's no comparison." He remained silent, staring at her, listening. Bravely, she continued; "Dearest Arnold--I've never called you that, have I?--Arnold...sweet, beautiful Arnold...I will do anything you ask--only please..._please_ say I have the tiniest chance of someday receiving your love in return!!" 

He closed the door in her face. 

Without a word. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: To Tano.... Aww, come on! Thanks for the compliment, but don't be so hard on yourself. You're a pretty dedicated writer and you've got some great stories out; there's no reason to call it quits just like that. 

  
  



	3. A messy chapter in which there is Spilli...

  
  


**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  


**5**

**_Spilt Guts and Broken Hearts:_**

  
  


Helganna ran to her room, fighting back the tears that streamed down her face. "Why? WHY did I have to pour out my heart like that?!" she asked herself angrily. He could have at least said 'Sorry.' 'Gee, Helganna, that's nice.....too bad I don't love you too. Sorry.'.....Would that have been so hard? She clenched her fists in frustration. "_Idiot!!_ How are you ever going to face him again?!" At that moment, there was a knock at the door. "Get LOST..." she began, but stopped short as Arnold entered the room. "Oh, it's _you_, Football-Head," she said, quickly drying her eyes. "Sorry about that--that little _outburst_ of mine...it was sort of a stupid joke, and I guess I just got carried away....."

"I've come to say good-bye," he said slowly.

She felt her heart would burst into a million pieces. "Good-bye? What for?"

"I'm leaving...It's time I went to seek a fortune of my own." (Going off to seek one's fortune was very popular then; on a good day, one in five could be expected to go off and seek his fortune--one in four if it also happened to be a Wednesday.)

"It.....it's because of _me_, isn't it?"

"Well--yes..."

Helganna hung her head in despair.

"...but not in the way you think. After all you've said, I can't stay here anymore. Things are different now." He smiled and gently took her by the hand. "I have to find work someplace where I can earn enough money, so that we can be married, and I can buy a farm and build a house for us....."

Her heart skipped a beat. "Foot...I mean, Arnold.....do you mean to say that...you actually love me?!"

"_Love_ you?" His eyes opened wide. "_Do I LOVE you?!_ Why do you think I've worked here, feeding animals and running errands all my life, hoping one day you'd notice me? Why do you think I studied and read and learned every night from books, to improve myself...for _you_? If your love were a drop of water, mine would be a universe of oceans. If your love were a grain of sand, mine would be an infinite beach!..._Yes, _I_ love _you!"

She smiled joyously. Then her eyebrow lowered. "If you love me so much, pal, why didn't you ever tell me?"

Arnold gave an exasperated sigh. "I _have_...as long as I can remember! Weren't you listening? _'As you wish'_... _'I love you'_. Want me to spell it out? Eye-ell-oh-vee-ee-wye-oh-_yooouu_. How about backwards, in Pig Latin? Oo-yay uv-lay eye-vay! _There! I...LOVE...YOU!!_"

"...Okay, okay--you don't have to get so _snippy_...sheesh!.....I understand."

"Good. It's about time." 

They smiled at each other, expressions of utter happiness on their faces. "I have to go now," Arnold said sadly. "My ship leaves early tomorrow. I promise, though.....I will return as fast as I can. I'll think of you every day, waiting here for me.....Good-bye, Helganna."

"Good-bye, Arnold."

She stood quietly as he turned to leave--then the words spilled out of her in a desperate rush:

_"Without one kiss, you moron?!"_

  
  


They fell into each other's arms.

  
  


  
  


_"Grandpa, that doesn't make much sense."_

_Arnold's grandpa leaned back in his chair and sighed. "It's always something with you, isn't it? Well, you see, Short Man--when two people love each other, sometimes they....."_

_"No...no...not the kiss. I meant, how can they just happen to fall in love as easy as that? Especially if she tormented him all their lives, and he simply ignored her the whole time--now suddenly....." Arnold trailed off as the words began to sound uncomfortably familiar. "Um...never mind."_

_"They're meant for each other, Arnold--that's how. All fairy tales are like that. Now, stop interruptin' me every two minutes! Where was I?....._"

  
  
  
  


From that day forth, Helganna was quite different. She smiled more often instead of scowling all the time, and made (some) effort to be kinder to people, and constantly glowed with happiness. Everybody noticed the change...it was obvious that her love for Arnold was gradually making her more beautiful--inside and out. Occasionally he would send letters telling her about his adventures and that he loved her. (They usually went something like this: "There was a horrible storm and the ship nearly sank, and I love you." "My cold is better, and I love you." "Say hello to Abner the pig for me, and I love you.") If anyone made the mistake of asking how he was, they could expect to hear about him for an hour at the least. He was fabulous. He was absolutely unquestionably spectacular. She could ramble on forever...but they did their best to listen, because she loved him so completely.

Which is why the news of Arnold's death struck her as severely as it did.

His ship had been attacked off the coast by the Dread Pirate Wolfgang.

Who never left captives alive.

No, _never._

When Helganna heard, she locked herself in her room for several days. There was never any noise, no weeping, no sounds of anguish. And her eyes were dry when at last she came out...a great deal wiser, a thousand times sadder. She understood the nature of pain; her face showed true character and the knowledge of suffering. She was more beautiful now than ever...

She didn't care about any of that. 

"I will never love again," she told herself.

  
  


She never did.

  
  



	4. The Groom, The Bride, and One Reason You...

  
  


**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  


**6**

**_The Groom:_**

  
  


Three years passed. It was no secret that the ruler of Florin, King Sidfried, was getting very old (and a little senile) and wouldn't be able to handle the responsibility of running a country much longer. There always had to be an heir to the throne, which meant that when the prince became the new king, he would eventually have to have a family. Which meant he would have to get married. Prince Haroldink, however, was not looking forward to becoming king, and was even less excited about finding a wife.

  
  


"Awwww, come on, Ma. Do I _have_ to?" he asked, for the seventh time that day.

"Yes, son," Queen Nadine answered patiently. "Your father is growing older and weaker by the minute...and, well frankly, the people of Florin think it's about time for him to retire."

Haroldink frowned and crossed his arms. "So--I have to become responsible and get married as soon as possible. Meanwhile, Dad gets to spend the rest of his life sleeping and eating all day. Is that about right?"

"Rules are rules," she said with a shrug.

"And there's no way for me to get out of it?"

"Not without rebuilding the foundation of Florin's entire system of government from scratch."

"Huh?...I'm confused....."

"No. There's no way."

"AWWWW!" 

  
  


As the queen left, he turned to his assistant, Phoebe, who always kept track of schedules and appointments and other important things that he had to do. Truthfully, Phoebe wasn't exactly looking forward to seeing Haroldink as king, either.....she knew that it would mean just that much more work for _her_.

"Hey, Phoebe..." he asked, "...How do I get a girl to marry me?"

"Let me see." Phoebe adjusted her glasses and ran her pencil down a list. "Well, your Highness...the preferable approach involves finding someone who shares similar interests to yours and towards whom you feel a mutual degree of attraction and respect, followed by development of a stable relationship with that person on the grounds of friendship and/or possible romance. Then in the event of growing emotional attachments either one or both persons may suggest establishing a deeper level of commitment between the two parties....."

"You're making my head hurt. That sounds like too much work."

Phoebe sighed, slightly annoyed. "Or...you could take the faster--although in many aspects, riskier and less desirable--approach.....and have someone choose a wife _for_ you."

Haroldink perked up. "Really? Okay, I'll do that." He thought for a minute. "You aren't busy right now, are you?"

"Unfortunately, your Highness, I still have a large amount of paperwo....."

"Great. Go find me a wife--I don't care what she's like."

Phoebe grumbled under her breath, almost breaking her pencil in half. However, she answered meekly, "Yes, Your Highness. Finding," and began to write out a series of preparations to be made.

  
  


Haroldink rose to leave the room. Just before exiting, he turned to Phoebe with a mean look in his eye. "But she'd better not be real ugly, or I'm gonna get _maaaad!_"

  
  
  
  


**7**

**_The Bride:_**

  
  


Phoebe's task proved to be much more difficult than she had expected. Failure after failure finally left her at something of a loss as to where to look. It was easy enough to find a girl who wasn't--well--_ugly_.....but the real problem lay in locating one who would be _willing_ to marry the prince. So far, there had been twenty-six straight '_No_'s, five '_You gotta be kidding me_'s, and one case of hysterical laughter. _He isn't much of a prize_, Phoebe couldn't help thinking to herself--but still...there had to be _someone_. She decided that it might be best to search the more isolated areas of the kingdom...for people who hadn't heard as many negative things about the royal family. Vaguely, she remembered a story that one of the king's cousins--a 'Lady Lulu' or something like that--had told, about some 'ever-so-quaint' little farms down in the valleys.....

As you would no doubt have guessed, Helganna's was the first farm she came to. 

  
  


"Let me get this straight," Helganna said, when Phoebe had explained the situation. "You're saying the Big Cheese, high muckity-muck, soon-to-be-king, Crown Prince of Florin wants me to _marry_ him, although we've never met each other and he has no idea I even exist?" 

"Not in so many words, yes."

"I will never love him," she said, stiffly.

"Believe me--no one expects you to."

She raised her eyebrow. "What about my parents, and the farm?"

"They'll be set for life. You won't have to worry about them."

"So.....I'll be rich and powerful?"

Phoebe smiled. Things were looking up. At least she hadn't refused yet. "Disgustingly so," she answered, her eyes narrowing. "More than any other woman in the kingdom. You'll have anything and everything you desire handed to you on a silver platter."

  
  


Helganna thought for a looooong minute. 

Finally, she shook Phoebe's hand.

"All right, sister...you've got a deal."

  
  
  
  


**8**

**_ One Reason You Should Not Talk To Strangers:_**

  
  


Thus, the wedding arrangements could begin. Helganna was officially crowned 'Princess' and introduced to the people of Florin as their future queen. Banquets were thrown in her honor and everybody bowed respectfully when she walked by. The common folk were positively enamored of her. She was one of them, and she was engaged to a prince; that was enough to make them love her. ("Boy-howdy, son!" King Sidfried said to Haroldink at one celebration. "I thought _nobody _would be crazy enough to marry you! I couldn't be prouder!"...then Queen Nadine shushed him and led him away before Haroldink could feel insulted...) Still, despite the lavish attention and money and expensive things, Helganna continued to grow more lonely and sad throughout it all, and kept mainly to herself. Her only joy was riding daily through the forests and countryside. As each day passed, she rode farther and farther.

One day she chose to ride especially far, away from the town and villages. It began to grow dark, and she turned her horse, preparing to head back toward the palace. Suddenly, she heard a rustle in the leaves behind her.

  
  


"A word, my lady?"

  
  


She looked around, alarmed. Three men emerged from the forest. The tallest was a giant of a man, with a huge nose and large, powerful arms that looked as if they could easily rip up a tree trunk. The second, dark, and lean, with a thin-bladed sword at his side. The shortest man stood somewhat hunched over, his eyes hidden behind a pair of thick, round glasses. He was obviously the leader, for it was he who had spoken. 

"We are but poor, lost circus performers," he said, walking toward her. "It is getting dark, and we were wondering if there might be a village or a house nearby, where we could stay for the night."

"There is nothing nearby," she answered. Something didn't feel right. "...Not for miles."

"Then there will be no one to hear you scream," the man said, softly. He reached up and touched a place on her neck--and before Helganna could say a word, blackness swam before her eyes and she was unconscious.

  
  
  
  


******************* 

A/N: Much thanks to everybody who read and reviewed! Hang in there...the story's just getting started. 


	5. In which Three Men and a Lady are Follow...

  
  


**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  


**9**

**_Three Men and a Lady:_**

  
  


"What exactly are you doing?" the swordsman asked, a noticeably Spanish accent to his voice.

The man with the glasses finished ripping the piece of cloth, and tucked it securely under the horse's saddle. "This fabric is from the uniform of a military officer of Guilder, the country across the sea and sworn enemy of Florin," he said. He slapped the horse on its side and it galloped off through the woods. "When the horse gets back to the castle--without the princess--they will find the fabric and blame Guilder. And when they find her dead on the Guilder frontier..." here he chuckled evilly, "...why, they'll have no choice but to declare _full-scale war!_"

The giant, who was busy untying their boat from the dock, glanced up. "You didn't say nuthin' about _killin_' nobody. I thought we wuz just supposed to _kidnap_ her..." he said, surprised.

"You nincompoop! How else would we start a war--by throwing a tea party?"

The giant looked over at Helganna, still unconscious, lying in a corner of the boat. "Aw, gee....I don't think I could kill one o' my feller human bein's...it don't seem very nice."

The man with the glasses walked over and got into the boat with them. He turned to the giant, "Nice? _Nice?!_ _Nice _doesn't concern you! And am I mistaken, which I never am...or did the word _'think'_ escape your lips? May I remind you again--you were _not_ hired because of your brain. _I_ am the genius here! _I_ will do all the thinking!!"

He set the sails and began guiding the boat away from shore.

  
  


"Mm-mm-_mmm_," muttered the swordsman quietly. "That Curllini _definitely_ has some control issues to work through."

"I'm afraid I'd have t' concur, Geraldo--on account of it shure seems like he's always got a skunk up his shorts over somethin'."

Geraldo blinked. "Festinky, don't you mean, 'a bee in his bonnet'?"

"Shucks...not where _I_ come from." 

  
  


A strong wind was swiftly blowing the boat out to sea. They were now far from land, and steadily traveling toward the coast of Guilder, miles away. Curllini continued to steer; occasionally Geraldo or Festinky took the helm, as they sailed through the night.

  
  
  
  


**10**

**_Followed?!_**

  
  


Every now and then, the swordsman would stand at the back of the boat, staring out into the water behind them. At first no one paid any mind, but after a while, it began to grate on Curllini's nerves.

"Stop doing that."

Geraldo glanced briefly at him, then turned back to face the sea. "Sorry, man. I just can't shake this uneasy feeling that we're being watched."

Curllini scoffed. "Inconceivable," he said under his breath.

A few more minutes passed. "I thought I told you to stop that!" Curllini said angrily, approaching Geraldo.

Geraldo turned calmly towards the self-acclaimed genius, a strange expression on his face. "Are you _sure_ no one could be following us?"

"_Yes._ Such a thing would be inconceivable."

"Totally inconceivable?"

Curllini slapped his forehead. "Totally, absolutely, and in all other ways, _inconceivable_. No one in Guilder knows what we've done. And no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast." He paused briefly. "Out of curiosity--why do you ask?"

"No reason," Geraldo replied. "I just happened to look back...and saw something was there." 

"WHAT?!"

The three of them ran to the stern and peered out into the darkness. 

  
  


There, in a pool of moonlight, floated a ship. It was perhaps a mile or so behind them, but seemed to be slowly catching up. It sailed silently, a black ship with black sails in the black night. In the moonlight, they could just barely see a man standing at the helm. 

A man in black. 

  
  


Curllini turned to the others. "Nothing to worry about. It's probably some local fisherman, out for a pleasure cruise at night--through eel-infested waters..."

"I dunno," Festinky said, "I reckon that don't make half as much sense as if he _wuz_ followin' us."

"We are not--I repeat, are _not_ being followed. It is a coincidence, that's all. Besides...we will reach the cliffs at dawn, and then no one can do anything to stop us."

Geraldo squinted, trying to see better. "It looks like he's gaining on us."

"Also inconceivable. This is the fastest ship in all of Florin. I checked before I stole it."

"You're right, man. He isn't gaining.....he's just getting closer."

  
  


At that moment, there was a splash from the other side of the boat, as Helganna dove into the water.

  
  



	6. In which Helganna engages in A Little Ni...

  
  


**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  


**11**

**_A Little Night-Swimming:_**

  
  


_"What are you waiting for?! Go! Go in after her!!"_ shouted Curllini, panicking.

"I don't swim."

"Only dawg paddle."

"AAARRGH!!" The genius clenched his fists and gritted his teeth furiously. "Can you at _least_ tell where she _went_?" They listened, straining to hear the sounds of kicking. 

But Helganna had already gone into the breast-stroke, and was swimming noiselessly through the water. She had no idea where she was headed--she had jumped into the sea without thinking, but now realized the predicament she was in. They were miles away from any land and it was almost pitch black. Her only thought was to try and reach the other ship--whoever it was, they had to be better than her kidnappers. She swam as quickly as she could, hoping for a miracle. 

  
  


All of a sudden, she heard the sounds of something in the water, something swimming nearby. Out of the darkness behind her came Curllini's voice. "Do you know what that sound is, Highness?" He sounded cheery, almost as if he were gloating. "Those are the _shrieking eels_. Hundreds of the huge, _carnivorous_ beasts come out at this time of night. If you don't believe me.....just wait..." He chuckled malevolently. "They always grow louder, ...right...before...they..._feed_."

She hesitated, treading water. The sounds did seem to be louder than before, but she couldn't tell how close they were.

"If you swim back now, or scream, or somehow tell us where you are.....I promise--no harm will come to you. I highly doubt you will get such an offer from the eels."

She kept her mouth shut. Then, she felt something long and slimy brush her leg, 

  
  


...and suddenly, the water was full of giant shapes, moving quickly in circles around her. They surfaced, and she could just see the moonlight shining on their glistening wet skin, and reflections of light flashing in their eyes as they swam past--but still she didn't make a sound. 

_If you're going to kick the bucket, Helganna ol' girl, you're going to do it on your own terms_, she thought stubbornly. She braced herself, preparing for the worst.

  
  
  
  


Then without warning, the eels attacked. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


_"She doesn't get eaten by the eels, Short-man," Grandpa said._

_Arnold blinked and sat up. "Huh? Wh--what was that?"_

_"The eels don't get her. I'm tellin' you because you looked like you were getting a little too involved--nervous, maybe?"_

_Arnold looked down at his hands, and realised he had been clutching his bed sheets so tightly that his knuckles were white and his hands were sweating. He grinned sheepishly. "I wasn't nervous," he said, letting go of the sheets. "Come on, Grandpa...I knew they wouldn't eat her."_

_"...Because I can stop now, if it's gonna get you all worked up like that..."_

_"I'm fine," Arnold insisted. "Keep going."_

_"Okay--you're the boss. Let's see.....she was in the water, the eels were all around her, and--oh, yeah! Then....."_

  
  
  
  
  
  


Then without warning, the eels attacked. They thrashed and squirmed, sending waves through the sea. She blindly turned this way and that, trying her best to defend herself against the unseen threat, although she knew it was hopeless. The eels were shrieking loudly, now, from all sides. The last thing she heard was a deafening shriek not three inches away from her ear.....

  
  


.....then two pairs of hands grabbed her and she was pulled out of the water.

  
  


"Hurry up! Get her on deck!" shouted Curllini as Festinky and Geraldo lifted her over the side of the boat. They wrapped a blanket around her and she sat in the corner, suddenly tired and weak and shivering from the whole ordeal. Curllini looked her straight in the eye. "You must think you're pretty brave," he said quietly.

"Only compared to you," she snapped. 

  
  


The three kidnappers went back to other business and left Helganna alone in her corner. She turned to face the mysterious ship, still sailing along behind them like a ghost in the moonlight. It _had_ to be following them, she told herself. There was no other logical explanation, despite what Curllini said. Looking at the ship gave her an eerie feeling.....was that a friend--or an enemy, waiting out there, watching? Either way.....what would happen once they caught up?

  
  



	7. In which we Don't Look Down, and There's...

  
  


**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  


**12**

**_Don't Look Down:_**

  
  


By dawn, the black ship was only a few hundred feet away. Even Curllini could no longer deny that it would surely catch up to them in a matter of minutes.

"He's right on top of us!" said Geraldo; then to himself, he added "...I wonder if he's using the same wind we're using..."

"It doesn't matter...whoever he is, he's too late!" Curllini laughed gleefully. "See?_--The Cliffs of Insanity!!_" He pointed to the humongous wall of rock looming before them. Helganna strained to see the top of the enormous cliffs--which rose, as it seemed, straight into the sky. The three men tied her hands and feet, then they steered the boat up onto the sand and jumped out (the giant carried her, of course). They ran to the foot of the cliff and stopped at a single thick rope hanging flat against the rock face all the way from the very top, where it was knotted around a huge tree. Quickly, they tied Helganna onto Festinky's back, then Geraldo and Curllini fastened themselves around the giant's sides. When all were safely tied together, Festinky took hold of the rope and began to climb. 

  
  


Hand over hand, never pausing, the giant's powerful arms rhythmically pulled the four of them closer to the top of the steep cliff. Ten.....fifty....two-hundred feet and more he climbed. Still, he tirelessly continued his chore. It was times like this, when asked to use his strength, that he felt as though he were actually helpful instead of merely in everyone's way. Curllini was obviously the brains of the three...and Geraldo could defeat anyone with his sword. Festinky knew that he was far from being the brightest or the quickest, so he was glad that his greatest strength lay in.....well--his _strength_. He focused solely on pulling, each movement another crucial step toward safety and success....

  
  


"Look! Look!" Curllini shouted.

Geraldo grunted. "At what? Your big mouth is blocking my view."

Curllini scowled, but kept talking. "The man in black! His boat has reached the shore, and now he's watching us, trying to decide what to do next. _Fool!_ Doesn't he realize he has failed? _We_ have the princess...he can't possibly catch us now. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

The man in black had indeed stopped at the base of the cliff and stared up at them as if defeated. But it was only for a moment, for then he put his hand on the rope, and...

"Hey--he's climbing! He's coming after us!" Geraldo said, surprised. (Apparently, Curllini had moved his big mouth out of the way.) 

"Inconceivable!"

The man in black climbed swiftly, pulling himself up the rope without hesitation. Soon he had cut their lead to four-hundred feet....now three-fifty....now three-hundred.....Festinky was over halfway up the side of the cliff, but the man in black was steadily advancing.

"You were supposed to be this colossus," Curllini snapped at the giant. "You were _supposed_ to be this amazingly strong _thing_.....And yet, he GAINS."

"But I'm carryin' three people," said Festinky apologetically. "He's only got himself to worry 'bout..."

"I will not tolerate excuses."

  
  


Festinky and the man in black kept climbing.

  
  


Hand

  
  


over 

  
  


hand. 

  
  


Inch 

  
  


by 

  
  


inch. 

  
  


Now the giant was past five-sixths of the way there. 

  
  


The man in black was almost one-hundred feet behind. 

  
  


Pull. 

  
  


Reach. 

  
  


Pull. 

  
  


Reach. 

  
  


Pull. 

  
  


Now seven-eighths.

  
  


Now.....

  
  


The giant collapsed on the ground at the edge of the cliff, exhausted. Quick as lightning Curllini freed himself, and as the others did the same, he ran to the tree where the rope was tied. The man in black was fifty feet from the top and still climbing. 

Curllini whipped out a knife and swiftly sawed through the rope.

The cut rope coiled like a snake, slid across the sand, and disappeared over the side of the cliff.

  
  
  
  


**13**

**_In-con-SEE-va-ble!:_**

  
  


Festinky and Geraldo walked to the edge and looked down.

"He's got very strong arms," said the giant, his eyebrows raised.

Curllini straightened. "He didn't _fall_?!" He joined the others at the edge. The man in black had let go of the rope just in time, and was holding on to the rocky cliff by his hands about forty feet below them.

_"Inconceivable!!_"

Geraldo rolled his eyes and turned to Curllini. "You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means."

"Whillikers!" said Festinky. He pointed to the man in black. "He's still climbin'!" 

  
  


They watched as the man in black moved carefully up the cliff. Slowly, and not without great difficulty, of course--but he was doing quite well considering he had already climbed several hundred feet straight up and had just barely avoided falling several hundred feet straight down.

After a minute or so, Curllini turned to his companions. "We can't take the risk of anyone seeing us with the princess. Therefore, one of you must stay here to finish him off if by some chance he makes it to the top. You..." ...here he addressed the Spaniard. "The giant and I will take her toward the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine--if not, the sword." 

Geraldo watched as the other three started away. "I'm going to do this left-handed," he announced. 

Curllini looked back. "Why? You know we're in a rush."

"It's more fair that way. If I use my right hand, well...it's over too quickly."

"Fine, fine. Do whatever you want--just hurry it up!" He ran off.

  
  


Alone now, Geraldo withdrew his sword and made a few practise swings. He walked around to get more familiar with the area. He was pleased to see that the ground was flat and rocky, and would make for an excellent fight.

Providing the man in black knew how to fence.

_Really_ fence.

Geraldo sheathed his sword again. He had devoted over ten years of his life to learning the art of fencing. Although young for a swordsman of his skill, he had uncanny natural talent (and a seething desire for revenge) motivating him, and already he had become practically undefeatable. Unfortunately, the more undefeatable he became, the harder it was to find someone worthy of a challenge. He was always in the mood for a good fight.....but what was the greatest living swordsman to do when there was no good fight to be found?

The man in black would not, could not fall. The man in black would finish his climb safely, and _then_...the _real_ battle would begin. If, as Geraldo hoped, the masked stranger did not turn out to be a horrible swordsman. 

Of course, horrible swordsmen did not usually carry swords with them, and the man in black had what looked like a very nice sword at his side--so that was encouraging...

  
  


Geraldo walked to the edge of the cliff and knelt down.

"Hey there, buddy," he called to the man in black.

The man in black grunted in response, and kept climbing.

He tried again. "Slow going?"

The man in black turned his head carefully. "Look, I don't mean to be rude...but I'm a little busy right now--so if you don't mind..."

Geraldo nodded, and kept silent. After a minute, he added impatiently: "I don't suppose you could speed things up?"

The man in black shot him a dirty look.

"Sorry I asked."

Another minute passed as the man in black inched his way up the cliff.

Finally the man in black glanced up at Geraldo again. "Couldn't you find something more _useful_ to do instead of just standing there and _watching_?"

"I have some rope up here," Geraldo said, "...I could lower it down and you'd be up on top in a flash--but I don't know if I should, since I'm only waiting around to finish you off. You might still fall and save me the trouble." (Secretly, he hoped this wouldn't happen, of course...it had been a long time since his last real sword fight.)

The man in black smiled slightly beneath his mask. "I don't plan on falling...so I guess you'll just have to wait."

"I hate waiting," Geraldo said under his breath. 

He took the leftover rope and lowered it down the cliff.

  
  
  
  
  
  


*************************

A/N: Yes, it's been some time since the last update. My apologies. I blame schoolwork, for being a big kick in the head and keeping me busy.


	8. In which we learn more about The Swordsm...

  
  


**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  
  
  


**14**

**_The Swordsman:_**

  
  
  
  


The man in black pulled himself the rest of the way up as quickly as possible. Once he reached solid ground, he breathlessly muttered "Thank you," and immediately began to withdraw his sword.

Geraldo held up his hand. "No, that's okay. We'll wait until you're ready."

"Again--thank you," said the man in black as he collapsed on a rock, exhausted.

"Excuse me for being nosy," Geraldo said, kneeling in the dirt, "...but you don't happen to have five fingers on your right hand, do you?"

The man in black made a confused expression, but he held up all four of his perfectly normal fingers.

"My father was killed by a five-fingered man," Geraldo explained. 

The man in black was quiet for a minute, noticing the sadness on the Spaniard's face. "How did it happen?" he finally asked.

"My father was an expert sword-maker," began Geraldo. "One day, a five-fingered man ordered this special sword. He worked a year before it was finished." Slowly he withdrew his sword and showed it to the man in black, who admitted that he had never seen its equal. Geraldo continued: "When the five-fingered man returned, he demanded the sword, but only offered a fraction of the price he'd promised. My father refused--so without a word, the five-fingered man....." here he fell silent, the painful memory coming back to him. "...I was only 11, and I was also pretty angry and hot-headed, so I challenged the five-fingered man to a duel. I lost, of course, but he spared my life...and he gave me _this_ as a final insult..." He pointed to the top of his head.

"...A...a scar?" asked the man in black, who couldn't see anything unusual.

"Naw, man--a _haircut!_ I'd been growing this nice, tall stack of hair for years..._and he chopped it right off!!_ Grrr....my hair never was the same after that!"

  
  


The man in black tried not to smile. "So, let me guess.....after that, you dedicated the rest of your life to studying swordplay--in the hope that someday, you would get revenge on the five-fingered man?"

"Exactly," said Geraldo. "And when I find him, I'm gonna challenge him again. I'll go up to him and say--'Hello.....My name is Geraldo Montoya. You killed my father. _Prepare to die!_'"

  
  


  
  
  
  


_"Isn't that a great line, Arnold?" said Grandpa._

_"Yeah--it's pretty good."_

_"Oh, but don't go around saying it....because people will start to wonder who th' heck this 'Montoya' guy is, and then you'll have to tell them the whole thing--and that could take forever."_

_"Uh, sure, Grandpa..."_

_"...Or they'll just call you a lunatic and send out the SPCA. Happened to me once while I was smuggling ferrets in Canada....but that's another story...."_

  
  


  
  
  
  


"Then, we'll duel. And this time, I will _not_ lose!" His eyes narrowed with pleasure at the thought.

"But...you haven't had any luck so far?" asked the man in black.

Geraldo shrugged. "Nope. That's just it, though; you'd think a guy with five fingers would sorta stand out! I'm beginning to wonder if this revenge thing has all been a waste of time."

The man in black got to his feet and stretched. "Well, I hope you find him someday. Anyway... I guess we ought to be getting on with that fight now."

Geraldo stood also. "If you're ready..."

"Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair about it."

They unsheathed their swords. The Spaniard smiled. "You seem like a bold dude. I hate to kill you."

The man in black smiled back. "_You_ seem like a bold dude. I hate to die."

"All right--let's dance!"

  
  


The swords clashed with a loud _cling_ and the duel was on.


	9. Involving a Duel in Three Parts

**wyldheart**: You noticed the finger thing---whoo-hoo! That makes you incredibly awesome.

*********************************

  
  


**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  


**15**

**_The Duel:_**

  
  


They fought furiously, blades flashing swiftly as they battled across the rocky plain. Back and forth they ran, over piles of rocks and up the little ridges, each man trying his hardest to disarm the other. As the sword fight raged on, it quickly became evident that the man in black knew exactly what he was doing. At last--a truly worthy opponent! 

The Spaniard smiled to himself as he stepped back, dodging a blow from the other sword. "I see you've studied swordplay too," Geraldo said, swinging his blade. The man in black was clearly a master at fencing....not _quite_ as skilled perhaps, but dangerously close. Close enough to be a threat. 

"A little, maybe...in my spare time."

Geraldo suddenly darted up a large rock and flipped over the head of the masked stranger, landing behind him. The man in black was not surprised, however, and slashed at the Spaniard, narrowly missing his stomach. Then, he suddenly began to fight even more furiously than before, and in a matter of seconds he had gained the upper hand over Geraldo. 

Geraldo realised that the man in black was gradually pushing him closer and closer to the cliff, and he began to feel a little worried. (If you will remember, he had decided to fight with his _left_ hand, giving his opponent the advantage. Also, as luck would have it, the man in black had turned out to be a lefty--evening things up a bit more. However, the man in black was more skilled than he had expected, and would surely win if something wasn't done immediately.) Geraldo decided it was time for some _real_ action. 

  
  


The man in black continued to press him toward the edge. Only a minute more, and the duel would be over.

"You're pretty good," Geraldo said.

"Thanks. I've worked very hard to become so."

"I admit, you are better than I am," said Geraldo with a smirk, still fighting desperately to keep away from the cliff.

The man in black raised one eyebrow. "Then why are you smiling?" he asked, suspiciously.

"Because--I know something you don't."

"And what might that be?" A foot from the edge and moving closer.

  
  


"I am not left-handed!"

  
  


A split second later, Geraldo's sword had changed hands, and now the man in black was the one fighting for his life as the Spaniard advanced.

  
  
  
  


**16**

**_The Duel, part 2:_**

  
  


The man in black was completely thrown off guard by this sudden twist, and faltered, slipping on a small rock. He fell to the dirt, and Geraldo would have run him through then and there, but he swiftly rolled away and jumped to his feet--sword still in hand. 

"Never expected _that_, did ya', bubba?" said Geraldo smugly. 

The man in black gave a slight laugh and they locked swords again.

  
  


They continued to fight viciously, the battle almost at a standstill--for a moment one would seem to be winning; then suddenly the other would beat him back. It was obvious, however, that Geraldo was the better fencer; the man in black was tiring and his blade did not flash so quickly and accurately as before. This began to bore Geraldo, who had known of course that he would win all along, and he was ready to end the battle now that the man in black no longer proved a challenge. Plus, Curllini would be angry the longer he had to wait.

Geraldo swiped at him, forcing him up a hill and among the large rocks, where it would be trickier to keep one's footing. They were fighting near part of an old, crumbling stone wall which ran along the edge of the hill, meeting the side of the steep cliffs. The Spaniard eyed the wall--one good push, and the whole thing would fall down, down to the water far below. If the masked man was trapped by the wall and rock, he couldn't fight his way out so easily, and mightn't that be the end to the man in black!

The man in black continued to block Geraldo's blows, but he wouldn't be able to hold out much longer. Geraldo lunged at him, thrusting his sword forward, and the man in black fell against the crumbling wall. A few pieces of stone fell over the sheer edge of the cliff, as Geraldo shoved up against him, trying to force him over. 

Grunting with the effort, the man in black pushed back in an attempt to free himself.

"There's something...'oof!'...you ought...to know," he said.

"What's that?" asked Geraldo, still shoving.

The man in black grinned from ear to ear. 

  
  


"I am ambidextrous!"

  
  


Geraldo didn't even blink. "And...just what is _that_ supposed to mean?"

  
  


"It means: _I'm not left-handed either_!"

  
  


This time, Geraldo halted, and the man in black was able to push him aside. Then he leapt forward, brandishing his sword in his right hand.

"Mm-mm-mmm....You read too much. But you're still a bold dude," said the Spaniard, actually delighted with this turn of events.

They resumed their duel--this time, each would be fighting with every ounce of skill he possessed.

  
  
  
  


**17**

**_The Duel, part 3:_**

  
  


They bounded over the flat rocks as they crossed the hillside, their swords flying even faster than before as they fought. They were almost evenly matched...but one of them had to win eventually, and neither was willing to give up until he did. 

The man in black swiped at Geraldo's head; Geraldo ducked just in time, and slung his blade at his opponent's feet in retaliation. The man in black jumped into the air, and did a back-flip out of the way. He jabbed his sword at Geraldo again, and Geraldo just escaped injury with a quick sidestep; then he leapt off a little ridge in the hill to a flat piece of land several feet below. He held his weapon firmly, waiting for the man in black to follow--if he charged off the ridge as well, Geraldo would be sure to catch him on the point of his sword...

The man in black paused, then unexpectedly he flung his sword at the Spaniard. Geraldo dove out of its path, and the sword landed with its point sticking into the ground. While he got to his feet--a bit dazed--the man in black somersaulted off of the ridge, and ran over to pull his sword out. 

  
  


Geraldo looked up, impressed. "Who _are_ you?"

"Does it matter?"

"I'd like to know before one of us gets skewered."

"Get used to disappointment."

Geraldo shrugged, "Okay."

...and their weapons met again.

  
  


They circled each other while fencing, the sound of metal clashing against metal rising louder and louder on the otherwise silent plain. Endlessly, they continued to parry and thrust and dodge as they moved swiftly over the ground. A cloud of dust billowed about their feet and their swords flashed brightly in the sun, almost too quick for the eye to see.

  
  


Suddenly the man in black swung at Geraldo's left, and as the Spaniard eluded the blow, the man in black slashed at his ear, momentarily surprising him. The distraction lasted only a split second, but that was long enough for the man in black to knock the sword from Geraldo's hand, sending it flying into the dirt a few yards away. 

Geraldo instinctively turned to follow his sword, and came face-to-face with the point of the other blade. He closed his eyes, disgusted at himself for such a bitter defeat after so many battles, and fell to his knees. 

"Kill me quickly," he said with a weary sigh.

The man in black did not move. "Mmm.....nah. I'd sooner destroy a stained-glass window than someone of your talent," he said finally. "However--since I can't have you following me, either..."

  
  


He clubbed Geraldo on the head with the hilt of his sword.

Geraldo fell to the ground unconscious.

  
  


"Please understand, it's nothing personal," said the man in black, and then he took off over the hill--following the footprints of the other kidnappers towards Guilder.


	10. In which something Happens Among the Bou...

**Alquamor**: Yes indeed....swords are delightful! And fun! Although, they're not very good for juggling. 

**AuAu**: I gotta ask: Have you never seen "The Princess Bride"? (I'm not trying to be rude, it's just that some of your comments have really made me curious.)

**puppiescute**: I'm kind of surprised you're reading this (most people don't bother with parodies unless they're familiar with the original story), but it's still pretty cool of you to do so. Boy, are you in for a few surprises...heh heh.

****************************

  
  


**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  


**18**

**_What Happened Among The Boulders:_**

  
  


"Hey Curllini, here he comes!" said Festinky.

The two of them stood on a high hilltop, overlooking a mountain path--the mountain path which the man in black happened to be running along at that very moment, tracking them. (Helganna was still tied up and slung across the giant's shoulder, and by that time was thoroughly annoyed at being carried around like a sack of potatoes.) 

"Good," said Curllini. "That idiot certainly took his time, but no harm done."

Festinky squinted, trying to see better. "Um...come to think of it--that ain't _our_ idiot...er--that ain't Geraldo. "

"What? What do you mean?"

"Mebbe my eyes are playin' tricks on me...but that sure looks like th' _other_ guy!"

"Inconceivable!" muttered Curllini, although he could see for himself that it was true. He watched the man in black race along the path. It would take him a good ten minutes or so to reach the hilltop but there was still no time to waste. "Put her down," he ordered. The giant did so and they untied Helganna's feet. Curllini grabbed her arm and began leading her away. "You stay here," he said to Festinky. "When the man in black shows up, finish him off. Catch up as fast as you can."

"Okey-dokey.............Um--Curllini?"

Curllini turned. "_What?_"

"How? I don't know nuthin' about sword fightin'."

"I don't care _how_. Just finish him. _Your_ way."

Festinky smiled. "Why thank you, Curllini. That's plumb nice of you--_my_ way." He paused and scratched his head. ".....What's my way?"

The genius growled, irritated. "Pick up one of those rocks, and hide behind there," he said, pointing to one of the many piles of boulders that lay across the hill. "In a little while, the man in black will come running over the hill. The minute his _head_ is in view..._hit it with the rock!!_" He took off, dragging Helganna behind him.

"Gee...my way ain't very sportsmanlike," said the giant with a frown, but he picked up one of the bowling-ball-sized stones and crouched behind a large boulder to wait.

  
  


Sure enough, the man in black came barreling over the hill in a matter of minutes. He knew the kidnapers had passed across the grassy, boulder-strewn area and that he was on the right track, but something appeared wrong just the same. He paused beside a large boulder to think...

  
  
  
  


***SMASH!!***

  
  
  
  


The man in black jumped sideways, startled by the rock which had landed not two inches from his head. He drew his sword, looking cautiously around for any sign of movement Suddenly another large rock came hurtling by.

  
  
  
  


***CRUNCH!!***

  
  
  
  


It shattered against the boulders-- again, much too close for comfort. The man in black was beginning to feel shaky.

Festinky stepped out from his hiding place. "Hi," he said, picking up another rock. "I just thought I'd give ya' fair warnin' before I went an' bashed you senseless. I didn't have t' miss," he explained.

"I believe you," said the man in black. His heart was still racing, but he held his sword steady.

"Tell you what," said Festinky, "I reckon it ain't fair for a wallopin'-big freak like me t' keep throwin' rocks at a scrawny guy like you --so why don't we just fergit about our weapons and have a good, ol' fashioned brawl like nature intended?"

The man in black gave him a curious look. "You mean.....I'll put down my sword and you'll put down your rock and we'll try and beat each other up like civilized people?"

"Yep. Man-t'-man."

The man in black looked at the giant's massive hands and arms, then at his own which suddenly seemed puny in comparison. "Frankly, I think the odds are against me either way."

Festinky raised the rock as if to throw it. "I could go ahead and kill you _now_..." he said with a grin, only half-joking.

"No thanks. I'll take those odds," the man in black answered quickly. He sheathed his sword again.

"Okey-dokey." The giant dropped his rock.

  
  
  
  


**19**

**_The Giant:_**

  
  


The man in black began to circle Festinky cautiously, like a stalking cat, sizing up his opponent and searching for a possible opening or weakness. Every few seconds or so, he would suddenly dart forward, and grab the giant's leg or arm or chest in a wrestling hold, then retreat when the attack had no effect. The giant merely stood there, unconcerned, letting the man in black test his strength. He wasn't the slightest bit worried--Festinky had been brawling most of his life, fighting as many as thirteen or fourteen men at once for money. Always, he had won...he was just too darn strong for them.

Festinky liked the man's attitude; the masked stranger hadn't complained or chickened-out, just accepted that the humongous brute would eventually kill him and tried his best anyway. Festinky would miss Geraldo, but anyone who could have climbed up the Cliffs of Insanity _and_ beaten the great swordsman all in one morning had to be admired. At least the man in black would die nobly.

"Well, I hate to do this to ya, feller--but I reckon I gotta dispose of you now," said the giant. 

Festinky reached out and grabbed the man in black from behind, pinning his arms to his sides. Then he lifted him high and squeeeeeeeezed until he heard something crack, and the man in black went limp. The giant smashed him against the rocks for good measure, tossed what was left into a crevice, and headed off.

  
  


At least, that was the plan.

  
  


What _actually_ happened was this:

  
  


Festinky reached out and grabbed the man in black from behind, pinning his arms to his sides. Then he lifted him...

  
  


The man in black squirmed...

...and slipped free.

  
  


The giant paused, surprised. He tried again.

  
  


This time, he grabbed the man in black by the feet. He swung him through the air, and flailed the man in black several times against the ground as hard as he could. Then he tossed what was left into a crevice and headed off.

  
  


Or so he intended.

  
  


He never really got further than trying to grab the feet, because the man in black guessed what was coming and easily leapt out of the way.

  
  


Festinky stood, frustrated. "You're slipperier 'n a greased hog," he said.

"Good thing, too, or you'd have gotten me by now."

  
  


The giant tried a different tactic. He balled his massive fingers into fists and begin to swing at the man in black, aiming each blow toward his enemy's face. "Kin I ask you a personal question?" he asked.

"Shoot."

"Why do you wear a mask? Are you some kind o' hideous monstrosity, or a criminal, or somethin'?"

"Oh, no...Nothing like that," the man in black answered, in between dodging the punches. ".....It's just they're....." 

  
  


_~Whoosh_

  
  


"....._very_ comfortable. I think....."

  
  


~_Swipe_

  
  


".....that _everyone_ will be wearing them....." 

  
  


_~Swish_

  
  


".....someday." 

  
  
  
  


***WHAM!!***

  
  
  
  


The man in black barely ducked in time. Festinky's fist collided with the boulder behind him, spraying pieces of rock everywhere. The man in black cringed inwardly; one slip-up, and his _face_ would look worse than that rock. He had to end this --quick.

The giant lunged forward, attempting to pin his enemy against the stone, and the man in black dropped to the ground and darted between his legs. Then before Festinky could turn, the man in black's arms were wrapped around his neck in a desperate choke hold and refused to let go. Festinky panicked. He clawed frantically at the arms cutting off his air supply, backing against the boulders and bashing the man in black against them as hard as he could, hoping to loosen the grip for a second. "...A...ack!" went the giant, and "Oof!" went the man in black every time he did so, but the arms only squeezed tighter. Festinky was choking. He dropped to his knees, managing to grab one of the man in black's legs, but absolutely couldn't breathe and so hadn't the strength to fight back anymore. 

The giant finally collapsed across the ground with a dull ***THUD***. 

The man in black released his grip and staggered away a few feet. Then he carefully rolled Festinky over onto his back and put an ear to his chest to listen for a heartbeat. He heard the giant's breathing--shallow, but steady...he would be okay when he regained consciousness. Relieved, the man in black stood. He really hadn't wanted to kill anybody if he could help it...that wasn't his style.

He also wouldn't have minded being unconscious himself at that point--as sore and exhausted as he was. 

The man in black sighed, knowing it would be a long time yet before he could rest. He took one last look at the giant--still sleeping, good--and trotted off across the grassy hill.

  
  


Two down, one to go.

The _hardest_ one.

  
  



	11. In which The Genius and the man in black...

**BJ:** I'd love to see his reaction, too. Hmmm...that's something to think about when I finally write the ending.

**Purple skies:** Coming from someone who doesn't usually like parodies, I'd have to say....well, thanks!

**wyldheart:** It sure is.

*****************************

  
  


**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  


**20**

**_The Genius:_**

  
  


The man in black soon reached a clearing near the top of the mountain, overlooking the sea. If he had taken the time, he might have noticed the tiny black dot--his ship--miles away at the Guilder port. But that didn't concern him at the moment. He was much more worried about the thing waiting for him in the middle of the clearing.

A picnic.

Well, no...not a _picnic,_ exactly. There was a flat, table-like stone on which a tablecloth had been spread. A plate with grapes and cheese sat in the center, between two wooden goblets and a flask. Seated on rocks on the opposite side of the table, facing him, were Curllini and a blindfolded Helganna. A long knife was held against her throat.

  
  


The man in black took a deep breath and walked towards them.

  
  


"If you want her dead, by all means come closer," said Curllini.

The man in black paused, then started forward again. "Surely we can reach an agreement," he began in his friendliest tone.

"There will be no agreement. You're trying to steal what I've rightfully stolen. I don't respect that kind of behavior," said Curllini.

Walking slower now. "Let me explain..."

"There will be no explanation...and you're killing her!" Helganna suddenly drew a sharp breath, flinching away from the point of the knife.

The man in black retreated quickly. "Let me explain!..." he shouted from some distance away.

"That's more like it," said Curllini with a smug smile. "Not that I _want_ to harm her, you understand, but better her than me. And somehow I think if you ever got the chance--two seconds, and _sskkkxxxx_, I'm out of the way. Then neither of us would be happy; you would lose your ransom item (here, Helganna scowled)...and I, my life."

The man in black crossed his arms. "So, we are at an impasse?"

"Exactly. I'm no match for you physically, and you can't possibly compete with my amazing brain."

"You're that smart?"

Curllini scoffed. "Ever hear of Plato? Socrates? Aristotle? _Idiots_...all of 'em. Some people even say I'm psychic."

"You mean, psy-_cho_..." Helganna muttered under her breath.

The man in black smiled, an idea forming in his mind. "In that case--prove it! I challenge you to a Battle of Wits. Winner take all."

Curllini raised an eyebrow, intrigued. "For the princess?"

Nod.

"To the _death_?"

Nod.

  
  


He grinned wickedly, lowering the knife. "I accept!"

  
  
  
  


**21**

**_A Battle of Wits:_**

  
  


"Wonderful," said the man in black. He joined them at the table, carefully taking a tiny bottle from his pocket as he did so. He opened it and handed it to Curllini. "Smell this, but do not touch."

"I smell nothing," said the genius, returning the bottle. 

"What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It also has no taste, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is one of the more dangerous poisons known to man."

"Whooo--_real_ threatening. You haven't impressed me yet."

The man in black motioned to the flask. "Pour," he ordered.

  
  


Once the two cups were full, the man in black picked them up and turned around where Curllini could not see what he was doing. He was busy for a long moment with the powder, then he put the goblets back on the table and stuffed the empty iocane bottle into his pocket. "So...where is the poison?" he asked cheerfully. "The Battle of Wits starts now, and does not end until you decide and we both drink. Then we find out who is right...and who is _dead_," he added.

Curllini chuckled. "It's so simple! All I have to do is deduce from what I know about _you_. The question is, are _you_ the sort of man to put the poison into his own drink or into his enemy's? ...Now, a great fool would put the poison into his own cup, knowing only another great fool would reach for what he was given. I am clearly _not_ a great fool--so I can't choose the goblet in front of you."

"That's your decision then?"

"Of course not. You would have _known_ I was not a great fool and would not reach for your drink. You would have counted on it--so I can clearly not choose the goblet in front of me." 

The man in black made no comment.

"You also know that only one of us will leave this place alive, and therefore it doesn't really matter whether anyone discovers your identity. Yet you continue to wear a mask, like a common criminal. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as I do not trust you. So I can clearly not choose the goblet in front of you. But then again, you may have this foolish idea that wearing a mask intimidates and confuses your enemies, and encourages them to think of you as a fellow criminal. I don't care whether you're a fellow criminal or not, but I am clearly not intimidated and confused--and so I can clearly not choose the one in front of me."

"You have a dizzying intellect," said the man in black.

"Just wait 'till I get going! _Ha-ha!_" He paused. "...Where was I?"

"Foolish ideas."

"Oh, yeah. As I was saying.....you've beaten my giant, so you must be very strong. Therefore, you might have put the poison into your own goblet, trusting your strength to save you--so I can clearly not choose the one in front of you. But you've _also_ defeated my swordsman, which means you must have studied. And by studying, you would know full well that men are mortal, and you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible--which means I can clearly not choose the goblet in front of me."

"_Criminy_!...Shut up and pick one, already!" interrupted Helganna. Her outburst was ignored.

"You're stalling," said the man in black. "You're trying to make me give something away. It won't work."

"It _has_ worked. You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!" sneered the genius.

"Then make your choice."

"I will. And I choose..." He froze, and pointed a finger. "What in the world can _that_ be?!?"

"What? Where?" asked the man in black, turning around to look behind him. "I don't see anything."

"Oh. Well, my mistake." Curllini began to snicker.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, nothing!" Curllini grinned, lifting the nearest goblet. "Now let's have something to drink--me from _my_ glass, and you from _yours_."

  
  


They emptied their goblets.

  
  


"You guessed wrong," said the man in black. 

Curllini laughed gleefully. "You only _think_ I guessed wrong. That's what's so funny! _I switched glasses when your back was turned!!!_"

The man in black said nothing, as the genius continued to gloat.

"You fell for the oldest trick in the book! You overconfident ignoramus! You buffoon! You came all this way...just to fail miserably at the end!!! Ah ha ha Ha HA HAAA! HA HA HAA _HAAAAAh_!..."

  
  


He kept on like this until the powder took effect.

  
  
  
  


The man in black removed Helganna's blindfold and set about untying her hands. "It's about time," she muttered, glancing over at the still form of Curllini lying sprawled across the grass. "So--all this time, _your_ cup was poisoned."

"They were both poisoned. I've been building up an immunity all year."

  
  


Something moved in the corner of one eye... "Hey. Wait a minute." ...and she turned back to the body, scrutinizing it suspiciously. "He's still _breathing_! What kind of screwy poison _was_ that?"

For the first time, the man in black looked sheepish. "Well...technically...it's a very strong sleeping powder. I--er, made up that part about the iocane."

"You lousy faker!"

"Can I help it if I'm not very ferocious? Now come on...we really ought to get going." He grabbed her arm.

"Ohhhhh, no..." she said, yanking her arm away. "After what I've been through today, you're not holding me for ransom _that_ easy."

The man in black sighed in exasperation. "Look, _princess_...I don't have time to stand around and _argue_ with you all day. You've got two choices: either come with me, or I tie you up again and leave you here to wait for that sleeping powder to wear off."

Pause. Silence.

Then Helganna began to stuff what remained of the grapes and cheese into her pockets.

"Fine. But I'm bringing the food!"

  
  
  
  
  
  


****************************

A/N: Those of you familiar with the original movie or book probably have a couple of questions at this point. Obviously, there is a slight change in the storyline from what you were expecting. Allow me to explain:

1. Yes, Curllini is still alive. I really liked the character of "Vizzini" from the original story, and frankly, was sort of sorry that such a great villain got bumped off so soon. Ergo, Curllini/Vizzini lives to laugh another day.

2. Because it's my parody and I'll change it if I want to. I'll say this much: he may show up again later for something very important and surprising...heh, heh, heh.


	12. In which Identities are discovered, and ...

**puppiescute:** Yes---very soon, as a matter of fact.

**BJ:** If he can pull off a British accent without sounding really really corny---sure, why not? Geraldo's is supposed to be Spanish, after all. The more accents, the better. Yay accents!

**AuAu:** Yeah, she really should recognize it. You'd think so. 'Course, several characters have wide heads: Harold, Mr. Hyuhn, that Ruth chick. I guess you gotta call it Willing Suspension of Disbelief, and leave it at that. 

**beady:** Too many times, probably. It's like "The Lion King"; I've seen it so much I've practically memorized it.

**JESS:** You have a point about the character background; I _would_ like to add more about Festinky and some of the others. If I figure out a way to do that without making it word for word from the story, I may in some future chapter.

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**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  


**22**

**_Identities:_**

  
  


A few hours of running brought them to a grassy plain about halfway down the mountain. On one side lay the sea, blue and sparkling, and on the other, a steep ravine. (If someone happened to be walking along the bottom of this particular ravine, they would soon find themselves in a singularly unusual place known as the Fire Swamp--but more about that later.) The man in black halted, seeing that she was exhausted and panting from so much exercise. Although, he'd noticed, she still had plenty of energy for hurling occasional insults in his direction.

"Catch your breath," he ordered, releasing her arm. "We've still a long way to go before we're safe."

"Safe, _schmafe_. For all I know, you're planning to kill me the minute you get your ransom money," Helganna said bitterly.

"I never said I was holding you for ransom."

"Oh, please! Why else would you go to all this trouble? Besides...I can guess who you are now, and it makes absolute sense. You're the Dread Pirate Wolfgang! Admit it!" She scowled.

The masked man smiled and bowed low. "Pleased to make your acquaintance."

"And what's more," she continued, "...you're the rottenest, filthiest, most vile piece of scum ever to ooze its way out from under a rock!! I hope some big, horrible thing _sits_ on you and _squashes_ you like a disgusting cockroach. Because that's all you are--a loathsome, contemptible, odious _insect_!!!" 

He frowned then. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. Such cranky words. Why are you so mad at me?"

"You spared a criminal today. But you didn't think twice about snuffing out the life of an honest man who never did a thing to hurt you or anybody. Three years ago you destroyed the only thing on this earth I ever loved. Why _shouldn't_ I hate you?!" 

"And who was this great love of yours? Another rich, idiotic prince?"

"_NO!_" she snapped. "A farm boy! Poor. Poor--and perfect..." she added softly.

He scoffed. "I seriously doubt that. No one is perfect, princess. There is no such thing as a completely honest man...or a completely honest _woman,_ for that matter."

"What do you mean by that?"

He ignored her question. "I think I remember this farm boy of yours. Three years ago, you say? Blond guy, about my height? He died well; that should make you happy. No bribes or threats or tears...he simply said: 'Please'. 'Please--I must live.'" The man in black paced thoughtfully, continuing. "It was the 'Please' that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important that I should let him live, and do you know what he said?" He stopped pacing and looked her in the eyes. "_True love_, he said. And then, he told me of an amazing, beautiful girl--I can only assume he meant you--and the wonderful life they were going to share someday." The man in black straightened, a slight harshness in his tone. "You should thank me for destroying him before he found out what you _really_ are."

"And what _am_ I?" she demanded. Her voice was dangerously low.

"_LOVE_, princess! You speak of _true love_, as if you genuinely understood what it meant. But tell me; when you found out this farm boy was gone, did you run and get engaged to your prince that same day, or did you wait a whole _week_ out of respect?!"

"_Do NOT mock me!!!_" she said furiously, anger welling up in her throat. "I _died_ that day!!!" They were standing very close to the ravine now, and her temper was about to take control.

"...And _you_ can die _too_, for all I care!"

She shoved him with every ounce of her strength, and he teetered at the edge of the ravine, arms waving wildly.

Then he fell, tumbling down, down, down, over the rocks, through the dirt, rolling bump, bump, bump along the steep side toward the gully at the bottom.

"I hope you hit all the sharpest rocks!" she yelled happily as he rolled.

Then in between grunts of pain, the man in black weakly shouted back to her.

  
  


"

.

.

.

A

a

a

a

a

a

a

a

a

s

.

.

.

.

.

y

o

o

o

o

o 

o

u

u

u

.

.

.

.

.

w

i

i

i

i

i

i

i

i

i

i

i

i

i

i

i

s

h

.

.

.

.

.

"

  
  


Helganna's first thought was: _Oh! What have I done now?!_ as she threw herself down the hill after him. Then she lost her footing and began to roll uncontrollably, and her second thought was: _Boy--THIS was a stupid idea!_

  
  
  
  


**23**

**_A Search (or--Meanwhile, Back At The Castle):_**

  
  


When the abduction was discovered, the whole of Florin was in an uproar, as you might well imagine. Haroldink was less than thrilled about the princess' disappearance, although he did make a point of asking whether he still had to get married. The answer was yes, of course--but it would take too long to find somebody new. That, and Phoebe had kindly explained to him the significance of the piece of cloth found under the saddle. If Guilder wanted a war, Florin was determined they would have to start it some other way--and thus he would have to retrieve Helganna at all costs.

  
  


By now, the searching party (Haroldink, Phoebe, and a few soldiers) had reached the mountain where the Battle of Wits took place. They had not found any of the original kidnappers; indeed, barely a trace was left of the three men at any spot by this time. Curllini was long gone when they arrived, as Geraldo and Festinky had been, but anyway the prince was more concerned with the fourth man they had tracked all the way from the Cliffs. 

"Someone fell here," said Haroldink, kneeling and motioning to the grass by the stone table. "Whoever defeated the others must have followed and beaten this guy, too. Then he took the princess and ran off that way."

"If you say so, Your Highness," said Count Rhonda, the commander of the Florin army and another of Haroldink's right-hand-associates, second only to Phoebe. She couldn't read anything in the dust and gravel herself--and personally she thought Haroldink was sort of a doofus--but he did at least know how to hunt and track. "Can you tell where they're headed?" she asked the prince.

"If I may..." interrupted Phoebe, "It is most likely the princess was taken directly along this route down the mountainside, which would lead them eventually to the main port of Guilder. Judging from what Your Highness has managed to assess, I think it is safe to assume this mysterious fourth person managed to foil the original kidnapping---or perhaps betray the other three---with one of his own, and will try to escape with her in a ship. It may also interest Your Highness to know that the Fire Swamp is practically the only thing that could slow them down at this point. If we do not stop them on the far side of the swamp, we will lose them." 

"Yeah--exactly what I was going to say," said Haroldink. (Count Rhonda rolled her eyes.) He stood, briefly gazing at the horizon that lay ahead of them, then mounted his horse. "All right--come on, men!"

"_Ahem!_" (Count Rhonda cleared her throat.)

"Oh....and Phoebe..."

"_AHEM!!_"

He groaned. "..._And_ Rhonda. Let's go--there isn't a minute to lose!" The search party urged their horses forward, and rode off after the unsuspecting fugitives.

  
  
  
  
  
  


****************************

A/N: Yes, since she's a girl, technically it should be Count_ess_ Rhonda. But she is the captain of the army, and besides, 'Count Rhonda' rolls off the tounge better, not to mention it's closer to the original character. Say it with me. _Cooouuuuuunt Rrrrhonnnnnndaaa_. See, isn't that nice?

Another long time in between updates. I'll try to do better and not make any excuses. Excuses are like feet; if you got 'em, they probably stink.


	13. Concerning Identities again, and a littl...

**solidchristian_88:** Inigo (sounds like 'Indigo' without the 'd'). As for the mastermind behind the kidnapping...(drums fingers together and laughs evilly)...you'll see...heh heh heh.

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**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  


**24**

**_Identities, part 2:_**

  
  


"

OOOOF!

.

.

.

.

EEEEF!

.

.

.

.

UHHHF!

.

.

.

.

OWWW!

" 

went the man in black, tumbling down the side of the ravine.

  
  


"

OOOOF!

.

.

.

.

EEEEF!

.

.

.

.

UHHHF!

.

.

.

.

OWWW!

" 

went the princess, tumbling after him.

  
  


Finally, they both rolled to a stop at the bottom, very bruised and shaken and winded and scruffed-up, but otherwise happier than anyone else in the world. They sat up slowly and the man in black pulled off what was left of his mask, revealing an unruly mop of blond hair.

"Oh...._Arnold!_" said Helganna, tears forming in her eyes.

He smiled warmly, and replied in a gentle voice: "It's about time."

  
  


They ran to each other.

  
  


(And I'm not going to tell you precisely what happened next for two excellent reasons. First of all: everybody is entitled to a little privacy in emotional times like these, and besides it really isn't anyone else's business. Second and most importantly: although it was probably a very tender moment for the two people involved, it was also so unbelievably and disgustingly sappy it would make your head spin. I am sure there was a great deal of crying and kissing and more than one embrace, and a lot of sweet nothings were uttered--mostly along the lines of 'my beloved,''my angel,' bliss, joy, yada...yada...yada. Mushy stuff, y'know. 

At any rate, they were quarreling again within five minutes. It started out innocently enough...)

  
  


"You can't imagine how long I've dreamt about this," said Arnold, hugging her tightly. "Well--no, maybe not _this_, exactly. I'd have preferred not getting shoved down a hill."

"I _said_ I was sorry. I never would have done that if I had known. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't, not until I knew whether you still loved me."

"Of course I do! You're alive! It's as if my heart started beating again," she said. Then she sat up, pushing him away. "Hey--why _are_ you alive? And why didn't you come back sooner? Where _have_ you been for three years, you _bum_?"

"It's a long story. We're together now--isn't that what matters most?"

"Like fun it is! You went gallivanting around the world, while I was stuck on that lousy little farm thinking you were lost at sea. So I put myself through all that heartache for nothing, and you don't think it matters whether you explain?"

His eyes narrowed. "Don't tell _me_ about troubles. I suppose it was some kind of treat getting shanghaied by pirates, and spending every waking moment trying to return to you, and finally coming back to learn that not only are you perfectly well--you're engaged to some big galoot of a _prince?_ A prince isn't used to being crossed, and this probably won't make him very happy. You think you're going to back out of it with just an 'On second thought, Your Highness, I've changed my mind'?"

"It isn't as if I'm in love with him! And you were dead! I figured if I was going to be miserable, I could at least be miserably _rich_!" 

"Instead of being poor and happy with me?"

"You idiot--have you forgotten? _You_..._Were_..._DEAD_!! I grieved over you for three years and it ripped me apart inside. So-shut up! I'm still the Princess, and if you make me angry enough, I'll have you arrested for kidnapping. I suggest you start treating your superiors with a little more respect." She flounced away, hands on hips and nose in the air to show it was true. Then she turned back to him and her face softened. "Oh, Arnold--I didn't mean that," she said, hugging him again. "Not one word."

"I know. It's okay," he told her. "But I meant it when I said we still have a long way to go. By now your adoring fiancé must have sent search parties out for you, and if we don't keep moving, they may catch up. We don't have a moment to waste. And unfortunately, you've put us in kind of a predicament by tossing us both into this ravine."

They glanced at the steep walls where they had tumbled. No obvious way out, except back the way they had come. "Can't we climb back up?" she asked.

"Even if we could, it would take too much time."

"You climbed the Cliffs of Insanity."

"Yes," he sighed, "and it wasn't as easy as it looked. And then, I fought a Spaniard who knew a thing or two about fencing. And then, I wrestled with a giant. And then, I had to outfox a shrewd little guy who could have killed you at any given moment. I'm _tired_, Helganna. I've had a long, hard day. Don't you see?"

"I'm not stupid."

"Stop bragging."

"So...what do we do, then?"

He smiled and reached for her hand. "Straight ahead, my love. Right into the Fire Swamp."

"You're crazy," she said, nervously squeezing his hand. "We'll never live through it."

"Nonsense! You only say that because no one ever has," he replied cheerfully.

  
  


But deep down, he was just as scared as she.

  
  
  
  


**25**

**_First, Some Background Information:_**

  
  


A few words now on the subject of fire swamps.

  
  


The name "fire swamp" suggests something much worse than it really is. In truth, they are mostly just smelly, dank, regular old swamps, full of muck and vines and creepers and alligators and the usual. Mostly. However, fire swamps (the Guilder Fire Swamp in particular) were more dangerous than regular old swamps in three aspects:

1. Flame spurts 2. Snow sand 3. R.O.U.S.s

Swamps, as any expert could tell you, are full of various kinds of gas--given off by decaying roots and plant matter. Hence, the thick humidity and horrible smell. The "fire" in "fire swamp" comes from the fact that the ground in these particular swamps was often porous and saturated with such gases which might, for some reason or another, randomly spurt out of the earth at certain spots, mixing with chemicals in the air and sending up a column of flames that lasted a few seconds. If you happened to be standing on one of those spots when the gas spurted up--well, let's just say you'd begin to feel much like a hot dog wiener dropped in the campfire.

Some of these swamps had soft places in the ground where the sand was extremely fine and couldn't support the weight of anything much heavier than a bottle-nosed gnat. In short: snow sand. Not to be confused with quicksand--which traps you and allows you to sink gradually out of sight--snow sand is swift and merciless, sucking in its victim completely underneath before it knows what has happened. Once caught, it is impossible to fight your way out of, because the sand only falls faster and there is nothing to push against, and so you just keep sinking forever.

R.O.U.S.s (Rodents Of Unusual Size) were rat-like creatures approximately three feet long and were usually considered to be a myth. There was very little proof they actually existed; no one wanted to go deep into a fire swamp to find out, after all, and there had only been a few sketchy stories of the hairy beasts wandering around the outskirts of the woods. Supposedly, an old, sick R.O.U.S. occasionally stumbled out of a fire swamp to die, and might be found by a hunting party--but then again, when have hunting parties ever been known to tell the absolute truth? Legend or not, they certainly added to the mystery and fear of neighborhood fire swamps. Parents sometimes used this fear to threaten misbehaving children... "Don't steal--they'll send you to the Fire Swamp," was a fairly common saying in those days.

  
  


Most fire swamps, as far as could be told, contained only one, perhaps two, of these peculiar dangers.

The Guilder Fire Swamp had all three.

And it was into the Guilder Fire Swamp that those two were running.


	14. In which we go Into The Swamp, but not O...

**Eve4000:** Thanks. I'm afraid he does quite a bit of explaining in this chapter, though.

**AuAu:** Well...yes and no about playing along. You'll see what I mean when you read this. And never fear; we _will_ learn what became of Geraldo and the others, just not for a while.

**puppiescute:** Glad you liked it so much. A lot of that stuff came from the original author (S. Morgenstern), though, even the bit about "not telling you what happened." Boy, it's a good thing fire swamps don't really exist. Or _do_ they?...

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**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  


**26**

**_Into The Swamp:_**

  
  


They picked their way carefully through the swamp. Arnold was in the lead--slicing aside the tangled vines and brambles with his sword to clear a path. There was a sudden popping sound on Helganna's right side, and he casually picked her up and swung her to the left as a tower of flames shot out of the ground where she had stood. So far, these flame spurts were the only true danger they had encountered since entering. After that first bit of excitement, where a popping sound had been followed by Arnold's pant leg catching on fire and he had to roll through a rather large mud puddle to put it out, they knew what to expect and avoiding the spurts really wasn't that difficult.

"It isn't too bad," he remarked after a half-hour or so of tramping through the bog. She shot him a cynical look that suggested he was a few feathers short of a cuckoo bird, and he explained. "Well--I'm not saying I'd want to _move in_ any time soon--but you have to admit it isn't nearly as frightening as everybody says."

"Maybe so--but we aren't out of it yet."

In fact, it was a little boring. Trees and vines and alligators splashing in the water, and the occasional flame spurt. Nothing too horrible. Not an R.O.U.S. in sight.

"So--when I accused you of being the Dread Pirate Wolfgang, why did you agree?" Helganna asked.

"Because I _am_ the Dread Pirate Wolfgang."

"That doesn't make any sense. He's been marauding for nearly twenty years, and you only left three years ago."

"Mystifying, isn't it?" Arnold paused to slice another vine in two with his sword, and turned to her. "You'll remember that I was on a ship at the time--bound for the east, I think--when attacked. Most of the men were killed or jumped overboard, and I was the only one taken captive. That part I told you about, where I said 'Please', is true. It intrigued Wolfgang, as did my description of you and our rather unique history together. 'All right, Arnold,' he said after I finished my story. 'You seem like a fairly clever fellow. I could do with a little intelligent conversation, so tell you what: I'll keep you around tonight, and kill you tomorrow. How's that?' Well, of course I was quick to agree. We spent the night talking; he told me quite a bit about pirating and marauding and looting and all that, and the next morning, I exhausted every minute I could exploring the ship and learning whatever possible. He came to kill me that evening, very apologetic you know, with a 'Sorry, Arnold, but it has to be done. The minute they think you've gone soft, pirating becomes an awfully difficult career.' And I said, 'Of course, sir; I understand completely. Thank you very much for the extra evening. It's been most informative.' Well, that made him curious, so I told him all about how no one had bothered to explain to the cook the difference between table salt and cayenne pepper, and how some of the crew kept forgetting to move rotted stuff downwind to the _front_ of the ship so the smell wouldn't blow all across the deck. Things like that. Anyway, he was a bit impressed at how much I'd noticed in such a short time, so he thought for a while, and finally he said to me: 'All right Arnold, I've never had a cabin boy before, and I suppose you might be useful to have around for a bit, so we'll try this arrangement for another day. I can always kill you later.' And so, I'd do what needed doing, and fix what needed fixing, and see to this and that, and meanwhile studied everything I could about fencing and knife-throwing and so on. Every day went like that, and every night, Wolfgang would say: 'Well done, Arnold. Good night. Most likely, I'll kill you in the morning.' For three years he said this. By that time, we had grown to be fairly good friends, and Wolfgang had gotten so rich, he wanted to retire. So one night, he took me aside and told me a fantastic secret."

The two of them had still been tramping through the swamp during this whole story, and Arnold paused again for dramatic emphasis, before continuing. 

"'I am not the real Dread Pirate Wolfgang,' said Wolfgang. 'My name is Lorenzo. I inherited this ship from the _previous_ Dread Pirate Wolfgang (and his name was actually Robert), just as you will inherit from me. The _real_ Dread Pirate Wolfgang has been retired for fifteen years, and living like a king in Kuala Lumpur.' He then explained that it was the _name_ that was necessary to strike fear in the hearts of victims. No one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Arnold--we tried that once just to be certain, and believe me, it wasn't pretty. Somehow, the name 'Arnold' just isn't scary enough. Same reason you never hear of a Dread Pirate Bill, or a Dread Pirate Wesley. So anyway, to make a long story short... "

"Too late," said Helganna.

"Short_er_, then. We sailed into port and hired an entirely new crew. Lorenzo stayed on as first mate for a while, all the time calling me 'Wolfgang' until the crew was convinced. And I've been an infamous, bloodthirsty scourge of the seas ever since. Aren't you proud?"

"What happens now? You can't stay a pirate forever."

"Of course not," he agreed. "Now that I've found you again, I'll give the ship and the title to someone else, and we'll settle down somewhere as we planned. Only this time we won't be _poor_, just happy."

  
  


Helganna wanted to agree, totally. Or at least make some kind of comment. But all she managed to say was "Woff.....!", because by then, the snow sand had her. 


	15. In which Snow Falls in summer, and nope,...

  
  


**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  
  
  


**27**

**_Falling Snow:_**

  
  


When Arnold turned and saw that he was suddenly alone, he did not panic. They had prepared for such a thing beforehand. If one of them stepped into snow sand, they were to lie spreadeagle without struggling, in an attempt to fall as slowly as possible, while the other found a way to retrieve them. Earlier, he had sliced one of the long, thick vines that hung above from the trees and coiled it over his arm. Now he knotted one end of this around a tree root and tied the other securely to his belt as a safety rope before diving into the ground where she had disappeared. He had no idea whether the vine would reach far enough and knew he had to work fast--before she suffocated.

  
  


Meanwhile, Helganna was drifting away, falling, falling. She wondered if it truly was bottomless, like she'd always heard. Did one ever stop, or just keep falling forever through the sand, like being washed about in an endless sea? The sand was so fine, she could barely feel it slipping around her, although she was aware of its ever-growing weight pressing down on her from above . She knew she was sinking quickly through the sand, yet it seemed to be so slow. She felt weightless, sleepy. It didn't seem real, rather like being in a dream, because you couldn't see anything, you only knew that you were still falling and probably would until the end of time. She couldn't breathe. She would have to breathe soon, but then the sand would come in and drown her in its softness. Drowning. That was it--snow sand was like drowning without the wetness. What a strange way to die. And Arnold...

She had almost forgotten about him. Where _was_ Arnold?

  
  


Arnold had reached the end of the vine.

  
  


He very nearly did panic, then, when he could go no further and still couldn't find her in the sand. He knew that if he hesitated too long, she would be lost, and if he let go of the vine to look for her she might still be lost, and besides there was the slimmest of chances he'd ever find the end of the vine again, in which case they'd _both_ be lost. So he did the only thing he could.

He let go.

Hoping desperately that she was just beyond his reach, he sank freely through the sand, feeling in every direction for something solid. Then, at the last second before it would have been impossible to fight his way back to safety, he felt...

  
  


A foot.

  
  


He clung to it with all his strength, and pushed his other arm above through the sand for the vine. Somehow, he found it, somehow, he managed to grab hold of it firmly and work his way back up towards freedom.

  
  


Somehow, he managed to pull them both out of the sand, gasping and spitting and breathing in the sweet air of life as they collapsed on the solid ground. When she could finally speak again, her face crusted with sand and her voice hoarse, she turned to him with a wry smile.

"What kept you?"

  
  


**28**

**_Not Out of the Swamp Yet:_**

  
  


They rested for several minutes, coughing up sand and settling their nerves after their harrowing escapade. Finally, they rose to their feet reluctantly, and began walking again. It would be dusk sooner or later; the sunlight would fade between the trees and shadows would blanket the swamp with darkness, and so they had to walk as far as they could before then. If the Fire Swamp was dangerous enough in the daytime, imagine what it would be at night, when you couldn't see where you were putting your foot and all sorts of crawly things slithered out of their lairs to hunt. 

"Well, now that you know the story of my life," said Arnold, attempting to lighten the mood after they had walked in wearied silence for a while, "let's hear what _you've_ been doing for three years."

"What's to tell? I grieved over you, got engaged, got kidnapped, and you saved me. If you can call this 'being saved', that is." She glanced around at the swamp and let out a deep melancholy sigh, burying her face in her hands. "We aren't going to make it. We're going to rot here, in this horrible, smelly place, burned or suffocated or eaten alive. End of story." she said.

He put his arms around her. "Nonsense!" he said. "Look how far we've already come. People who have been through so many trials already can't possibly be meant to die in the Fire Swamp. We're nearly there, so don't give up just yet." 

"Do you have any idea how annoying that optimism of yours gets, Mary Sunshine?"

"Of course. I'm one of a kind."

Helganna shook her head. "You're a _fool_, and I love you for it," she said. "But you know as well as I do; we barely lived through that--the snow sand, I mean--and our luck isn't going to hold out forever."

"And again, I say 'Nonsense!' After all, the Fire Swamp only has three significant dangers. The flame spurts are preceded by popping sounds, making them easy enough to avoid. And you've been thoughtful enough to test the snow sand for us; in the future, that can be avoided as well. Simple as pie, don't you see? And while we're on the subject, don't call me Mary."

"What about the R.O.U.S.s?" 

  
  
  
  


It must be noted at this time that Helganna, despite all her bravura and show and protests to the contrary, was **ABHORRENTLY** afraid of rats of any size--and would probably have sooner kissed Lady Lila than look at a giant rodent. (Mind you, I am not so sure that one is any better than the other.)

It must _also_ be noted at this time that Arnold thought he had already detected some rather menacing, hairy shapes lurking behind the trees, and was feeling a little apprehensive about the possibility of R.O.U.S.s himself. Perhaps he should have turned to Helganna at that moment and whispered something like: "Well, now that you mention it, something or other does appear to be following us."

  
  


  
  


But he didn't. Instead, he decided there was no need to alarm her just yet, and said "Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist." Then he turned and kept walking.

  
  


And then, the largest of the R.O.U.S.s in question leapt out of the shadows with a vicious snarl and sank its sharp teeth into his shoulder.


	16. Involving Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Ra...

  
  


**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  


**29**

**_Who's Afraid of the Big, Bad Rats?:_**

  
  


And then, there began a very unpleasant scuffle during which Arnold's sword was knocked from his hand, and he fell to the ground under the weight of the giant rat. Helganna let out a small scream and froze in her tracks when the R.O.U.S. attacked, unable for several seconds to do anything besides mutter very rapidly in a jittery, high-pitched sort of voice something that sounded like: "_IhateratsIhateratsIhateratsIhateratsIhateratsIhaterats!..._" but she was soon shocked out of her stupor by the noise of growling behind her. She turned slowly and apprehensively, and was not at all delighted at the sight of a small army of the rodents emerging from the trees nearby. Whirling around again, she saw that Arnold was still wrestling with the first R.O.U.S. He was trying desperately to pry it off before it could reach his face. The R.O.U.S. refused to cooperate, scratching at his arms and wounded shoulder with its claws. Spotting the fallen sword, Helganna grabbed the weapon and tried to help, but man and rat were rolling around in such a tangle of hair and blood and torn clothes and mud it would be impossible for her to attack the beast without accidently hurting Arnold, and impossible for him to use the sword himself. 

  
  


The snarling of the other R.O.U.S.s rose in volume, and suddenly, one foot was wrenched out from under her. She collapsed, gritting her teeth as the second rodent began to gnaw at her boot. Helganna kicked at it with her good leg. There was a satisfactory yelp of pain when a blow hit the creature's stomach, and it leapt off. Immediately, however, it turned and crouched to spring forward again. She scrambled to her feet, thankful she had not dropped the sword. She lunged toward the charging R.O.U.S. Somehow, she managed to gore it directly on the point of the blade and the R.O.U.S. fell to the ground, dead. Helganna shivered unhappily. "_Yechhh!_" she said to herself, pulling the sword out. "I _hate_ rats!" She stepped back carefully, eyeing the other rodents and holding the weapon firmly in both hands in case of a following attack. The R.O.U.S.s, though, had forgotten all about her, and had busily begun eating their fallen comrade. "_YECHHH!_" she said again, thoroughly disgusted. 

She turned to look for Arnold. Although still fighting, he was badly scratched and was clearly receiving the worse end of the deal. He had managed to pummel the rat enough that it was no longer clawing at him so fiercely, but still, it relentlessly snapped its horrible teeth mere inches from his nose and would not let go. To make matters worse, another R.O.U.S. had joined the fray, trying to get a hold on his legs. Helganna limped over to the three, picking up a heavy branch as she went. "Get off!" she shouted, flinging the branch at the second R.O.U.S. Her aim wasn't too terrific, but the branch did collide with its target. Startled, the R.O.U.S. shrieked and flinched aside. A swift kick from her boot and a stab from the sword sent it reeling away. Meanwhile, in the midst of his struggling, Arnold heard a distinct noise nearby--a popping sound. Concentrating, he rolled with the large R.O.U.S. towards the source of the popping, stopping once the beast was directly over the spot. A column of flames shot from the ground and the rat gave a bloodcurdling roar. It jerked away, howling as it tried to put out the blaze on its back. Freed at last from the rat's claws, Arnold staggered to his feet. "The sword," he gasped. "NOW!" Helganna tossed it to him; he caught it and thrust it into the singed animal several times until finally it lay dead, wisps of smoke still rising from its scorched hair. 

  
  


By this point, the other R.O.U.S.s had finished their meal and were now advancing on the two humans with savage looks in their eyes. "Quick!" exclaimed Arnold, grabbing Helganna's hand. They darted away as fast as they could go, the vicious creatures in hot pursuit. Fortunately for them, the R.O.U.S.s were distracted at the last second by what was left of the smoking rat. Instead of pursuing their prey, the rodents turned to devour the carcass like ravenous wolves. Relieved, Arnold and Helganna lost no time escaping farther into the swamp. 

  
  


They had been in the bog for an hour. It turned out to be the easiest hour of the six it would take to cross it. But cross it they did, hand very much in hand. 


	17. The Author makes a Note, The Birds are C...

Hello, hiya, and how-dee-doo everybody. Yeesh, another long time in between updates. Sorry about that. It's been a busy few weeks with family vacation and...well, you don't care about the boring details, so I'll stop there. Anyway, this is just a little note to say that, unfortunately, the story will more or less have to be put on hold for a bit. No, it isn't over. It isn't even close to being over. Lots of fun actiony stuff lies ahead. However, I have a really busy school year starting soon, and have no idea how often I'll be able to update. (For another thing, I...er...well, I haven't written much of the second half and really need to work out some story details.) Anyway, consider this a hiatus. It may be a few months between chapters, but I will update as soon as feasibly possible. I'm telling you all this so you won't get cranky with me and think "Hey, dat joik abandoned us. Of all th' noive!" Or something like that. Thanks for sticking with me thus far, and please don't to forget to check back every once in a while and see if anything's been added. Stay cool, guys.

~The Management

  
  


**Chessi:** You know, you're right; it _was_ pretty stinky of Buttercup to just stand there. I never really thought of that, but I'm glad you pointed it out. That's Helganna-1, Buttercup-0. 

**Eve4000:** Thanks. I haven't heard that song in a long time, though. It's from the three little pigs, isn't it? 

**puppiescute:** Yeah, I'm not too fond of rats either. I think there's one living above my bedroom ceiling, and that kinda gives me the willies. Specially at night...ick.

**Mystik Spiral:**Thanks, o third twin of mine. It's fun to rock! 

***************************************

  
  


**~THE PATAKI BRIDE~**

  
  
  
  


**30**

**_The Birds Are Caged, and One or Two Other Things Thicken the Plot:_**

  
  


At last, just before sunset, the trees began to look sparser, and the ground began to feel firmer...and suddenly Arnold and Helganna were stumbling out of the Fire Swamp. They were exhausted beyond belief, and covered in slime and filth, and their wounds were in desperate need of attention--but they had made it. 

They were free.

They were together.

They were...

  
  
  
  


...trapped.

  
  
  
  


(Trapped like rats, she thought unhappily.)

  
  


Directly in front of them were Prince Haroldink and his soldiers, sitting astride their horses and blocking the road towards Guilder. They had been waiting at the far end of the swamp for some time. Haroldink grinned, brandishing his sword. Of course the kidnapper and the princess would be caught. He'd known it all along. No one escaped the Crown Prince of Florin. "Surrender!" he said, a gleeful note of arrogance in his voice. 

Despite the weight of hopelessness that had settled on his heart at this sight, Arnold stood as straight as he could, and grinned back. "You are surrendering to _me_? Very well; I accept! And may I congratulate Your Highness on the wisest decision he has ever made."

Haroldink furrowed his brow slightly and leaned closer to Phoebe. "Is he making fun of me?" he whispered.

"Weeelllll....in a way, he _is_ insulting your perspicacity, Sir," Phoebe answered.

"My _what_?" He faced Arnold again. "DON'T CALL ME FAT!" said the prince. (Phoebe sighed, reminding herself to use simpler words.) "And I'll have you know I am _not_ here to surrender. You, on the other hand, have no other choice if you want to leave this place alive."

"Oh, I'm not so sure about _that_. You wouldn't mind living in the Fire Swamp for a few years, now would you?" he said casually to Helganna.

"_Surrender!_"

"_Over my dead body!_"

"If you insist," said Haroldink. He motioned to the soldiers, who accordingly dismounted and stepped forward with their swords. Arnold drew his own sword, knowing he could never win against so many in such a weakened state, but not about to go without a fight. He drew a sharp breath and prepared himself for the inevitable.

  
  


"_Will you promise not to hurt him?!_"

  
  


Haroldink and Arnold turned towards Helganna, surprised.

"What was that?" said Haroldink.

"What was that?" said Arnold.

Helganna planted herself between them, glaring at Haroldink. "This man is a sailor, and a...a childhood friend of mine," she said, pointing to Arnold. "Promise not to hurt him, and promise to return him to his ship. If you do this, I will go back with you now, I will gladly marry you, and we will forget anything ever happened."

Haroldink shrugged, "Works for me," and sheathed his sword. 

"Your Highness," whispered Count Rhonda, "We can't just let him go. He may be a spy sent to do away with you. He _did_ kidnap your fiancee, after all. There's no telling what he may have planned next."

"Mm...good point," Haroldink whispered back. "Take him to the castle and put him in the Den of Pain until I can decide what to do with him."

She nodded. "Works for me."

  
  


"I'm sorry," Helganna was saying to Arnold. "But I lost you once; I couldn't bear to lose you again. At least this way, there's still hope." She placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. "I love you," she said softly. With that, she turned and walked over to Haroldink. The prince pulled her up to sit behind him and chucked the horse's reins.

Arnold refused to watch as they rode away. He very nearly did sink to his knees in desperation, then. Instead, he closed his eyes, shutting them tightly against the painful reality. So close. And now.....farther than ever. 

"Sometimes, hope isn't enough," he mumbled sadly under his breath.

  
  


The soldiers tied his hands behind him and led him over to Count Rhonda. She raised one eyebrow, inspecting him under a disapproving gaze. "Tsk, tsk, tsk," she said flatly. "Black. How terribly _drab_. Honestly--what I wouldn't give to see one of you mercenaries exercising a little fashion sense once in a while."

Arnold did not say anything in response, although he did happen to glance at the right hand resting on her saddle. A rather interesting right hand, for that matter. He looked up at her and managed a weak smile. "I wouldn't call having _five_ fingers very stylish, either," he said. "I know someone who'd like to meet you." 

Rhonda gave a tiny gasp and she went pale. She hid her hand; then with an angry look on her face, motioned to the soldiers. One of them conked Arnold on the head. Without a sound, he collapsed into unconsciousness.

  
  
  
  


**30½**

**_And Now for a Short Intermission:_**

  
  


"Well, there you are, Short Man. Good night." Grandpa stood up and stretched, his bones creaking loudly in protest. "Whoo-wee! Feels like my back popped right out. Nothin' personal, Arnold, but next time I tell you a story, remind me not to sit on this conflabbed chair of yours for so long. 'Tain't good for my plastic hip. Any more cookies?" He took the last remaining cookie from the plate and began munching.

"Hold it, hold it, Grandpa!" said Arnold quickly. "You mean, that's _it?_ You can't just _end_ the story there."

"Why not?" his grandpa asked through a mouthful of oatmeal raisin.

"What about the three kidnappers who got away? And the five fingers? And she can't just run off and marry the prince like that. And what about _me_.....er, I mean, _Arnold?_" He let out a disgusted sigh. "Grandpa, that's gotta be the worst ending I've ever heard."

Arnold's grandpa swallowed the rest of his cookie. "Now hold on just a ding-blasted minute," he said. "I never said that was the end of the story, so don't get your pajamas all in a twist. There's a _lot_ more to go."

The nine-year-old sat back, relieved. "Could you tell me some more, then?"

"Sure thing! But not now. It's very late and you're sick. I'll finish it tomorrow."

"I still can't get to sleep. Maybe if you kept telling it..."

"Oh...that's right.....you're one of those inquisitive, stubborn types, aren't you..." muttered Grandpa to himself. He put the empty dishes on the tray and carried them towards the door. "Sorry, Short Man. You'll just have to wait. Maybe _you_ have insomnia, but _I'm_ elderly and tired and falling apart (here, his knees popped in agreement) and _I_ need my beauty rest." He chortled. "Besides, there's some very important business in need of my immediate and undivided attention."

"What's that?" asked Arnold.

Grandpa sighed. "Well...let me put it this way: Your grandma is a wonderful woman, Arnold. I love her to the very depths of my soul, and I always will. But she's also crazy as a loon and doesn't do things a normal person would. Now, a _normal_ person would have made oatmeal raisin cookies. But it seems your grandma, for some unfathomable reason of her own, decided to make oatmeal _prune_ cookies instead, and I've just eaten a whole plateful before coming to that realization." He patted his gurgling stomach. "And as any old geezer like myself could tell you--prunes are Nature's laxative. You know what _'laxative'_ means, don't you, boy?"

Arnold made a face.

"Glad to see they're teaching you something in that school. Gotta go!" He was out the door in a flash.

  
  


Arnold laughed slightly. "Grandma's not the only crazy one." _But I wouldn't have it any other way_, he thought with a yawn. He turned out the lights and snuggled under the covers. The stars shone brightly above him in the sky, and as he watched them sparkle, his eyelids began to feel heavy. _Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a good day._

Another yawn, then sleep and the boy found each other at last.


	18. Return of the Bride!, et al

- Because 3+ years is a ridiculous and unkind length of time to leave _anything_ dangling and incomplete, especially fairy tales

- Because my dear friend YouTube let me recently relive some delightful moments from episodes forgotten, and enjoy episodes never seen

- And, because you and the other four people who might run across this thoroughly deserve to see it completed…

…With humble apologies for the times when I told myself "Eh, maybe later" and continued not to finish the story soon, and with my inner perfectionist hoping that my writing skills are at least a _little_ improved since the last update….

…and especially with many thanks to everyone who ever wrote a review for the last post, providing those occasional out-of-the blue remarks which, through those 3+ years, served to simultaneously remind me, honour me, and shame me into returning. J

(all disclaimers still applicable)…

May I present

_**30½ B**_

**_Return of the Bride_**

"Ready, Arnold?"

"Yep. Anytime, Grandpa."

-

After a long and dreadfully dull morning spent stumbling restlessly through the boarding house, followed by an even duller afternoon confined to his room—to "keep the diseased under quarantine" as his grandmother had insisted—it was finally time for the promised second half of the story.

With a "Thanks, Pookie…I'm not even gonna ask," the old man accepted a tray of warm cookies and milk from what appeared to be some bizarre mishmash of Florence Nightingale and Gunga Din. "Good luck, boys. Remember…don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes," chuckled Grandma as she closed the door behind her. Arnold could hear her padding off down the hall, cheerfully cursing rebel yanks all along the way.

Grandpa carefully scrutinized one of the cookies…"Seems safe enough tonight,"…and took a large bite. "Dig in, boy. No way she could've snuck anything but peanut butter into these." He stuffed another into his mouth and chased it with a huge swig of milk. This was instantly followed by a facial expression of such abject horror and disgust that Arnold, having just taken a large bite as well, spit his out as a reflex.

"What's wrong with them?" the boy asked through gritted teeth.

"Oh, the cookies are fine. It's that milk what did it. Warm, healthy goat's milk. Nastiest thing I ever put in my mouth." Grandpa swallowed hard and let out a few deep breaths, smacking his lips unhappily to rid himself of the taste.

"We don't _own_ a goat…do we?"

"Nope, but I'm going to convince myself we _do_, until I am absolutely sure your grandma hasn't tried to milk any of those mangy cats she keeps around. Now then…" He burped slightly and leaned back with a sigh, stretching his legs out until the joints popped. "Where were we?"

-

** 31 **

_**It's the Pits**_

Arnold opened his eyes and groaned. He blinked, disoriented; all the previous events then came flooding back to him and he tried to sit up. The leather straps around his stomach and limbs prevented this, binding him securely to…well, whatever he was lying on, which he couldn't quite make out. He was on his back against something completely flat and solid—perhaps a table?—and the other side of his head was still throbbing where the guards had hit him. Thus hindered, he set to observing everything above him. Clearly, he was no longer in the woods. This must be a large dungeon of some sort, one with a very boring ceiling made of timbers and packed mud. He couldn't turn his head far enough to see anything else (most likely, due to it being too wide and football-shaped) and resolved to have the ceilings of _his_ dungeons painted with a nice classical motif or at least something more interesting, in the event he should ever find it necessary to keep dungeons at all. "Ugh," he groaned again. Suddenly he was aware how much his entire body was aching and sore and scraped up and bruised and possibly still bleeding and…

-

_Wheeeeeze…Hurk! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeze…._

-

Arnold inhaled sharply. Someone, some_thing_ was in the room with him, very near, and he was in no position to defend himself should that something decide to be hostile. He hoped it was a rat. A small rat with severe respiratory problems would be terrific.

_Hurk!_ Shssss, shsss, shsss, clump, shsss _wheeeeeeze…_ Now it was breathing _and _coming toward him, shuffling its feet. Shsss, shsss, shsss, shsss. Pause. Nothing. It had stopped someplace.

_WHEEEEEZE!_ "Ah…hullo."

The uncanny voice was much too startingly-close for comfort and Arnold would have jumped into the air if not for the leather straps. A pasty, bland face with pale hair leaned over into Arnold's vision. "Don't wurry; I won't hurt you. That's sumone else's job," it mumbled. Arnold then felt something wet being dabbed onto the gash in his neck and found he was covered in bandages and poultices. Most of his wounds were already closed. Apparently, he had been out cold for some while, during which the albino had been busy.

"You're healing me?'

"Ah…yup." Dab, dab, dab, _wheeze_.

"Why?"

The albino shrugged. "You wur getting blood on the carpet. An' the Count prefers her pris'ners to look thur best before sentencing."

Arnold scoffed. After a moment of silence, punctuated only by his own winces of pain as the albino finished cleaning the wound and moved to another, he asked: "Where am I?"

"Den of Pain. Have a look." There was a cranking noise and the entire surface of the table tilted, turning Arnold more upright and allowing him a better view of the room. Now he could see it really wasn't a dungeon, more of a laboratory filled with strange devices of metal and wood, huge machines made up of intricate gears and systems of levers and pulleys. A stale, dusty cloud seemed to hang in the air, lending everything a harmless and insignificant—yet somehow eerie—presence. Arnold would have almost rather have seen chains and skeletons of former captives. "Like it?"

"Yes, very cozy," replied Arnold, pulling at the leather straps a bit. "Hate the name, though. Looks more like a Pit than a Den. Pit of Despair, maybe."

"That's whut _I_ said," the albino grumbled, "but no one ever listens to _me_. _Whut's_ _the albino know?_ Don't I got brains like the rest of them?"

"Uh….sure." Arnold hoped he wasn't speaking about a personal collection in jars, someplace, and quickly changed the subject. "What are they planning to do to me?"

The albino paused in his bandage-tying and motioned toward the largest, most complicated of the machines.

"So it's to be torture? A nod of affirmation and an _Ah…yup_ from the albino. "Hmph…I can handle torture."

The albino laughed—a hoarse, phlegmy sound like he had something stuck in his throat—and it made him break into such a violent fit of wheezing hiccups it was a good five minutes before he could speak again. "We'll see." He finished changing the dressing on the wounds and cranked the table into its original position. Then, gathering the used bandages under one arm, he shuffled out of the room, wheezing and snorting and mumbling "I gotta get out of this climate," as he went.

_Drat_, thought Arnold. _NOW my nose itches_.

-

_**32**_

_**Night Terrors**_

Helganna was calm, even serene, despite the fact that all unfinished wedding plans were hastily resolved and the date moved to the second morning after her return to the palace. One full day of freedom was left to her. She could not imagine where or how Arnold was, nor how he would save her again after she had ridden away through the woods, but she hadn't a bit of concern. He would certainly come to her rescue at the very last minute; perhaps he would scale the castle walls to her window, stealing her away under cover of night. Or he could come crashing through the stained glass of the chapel in the middle of the ceremony, fighting off a whole regiment of armed guards as they escaped with not one second to spare.

But the day and the hour arrived, while her beloved did not. She reached the altar (albeit as slowly as she possibly could), the words were spoken, the rings were exchanged, and she was married without seeing the doors thrown open mid-ceremony to the sound of Arnold's ringing _I object!_ In the evening, the townsfolk gathered in the palace square and she and Haroldink greeted them as their new king and queen...

-

"_Hold it…HOLD IT!" said Arnold, interrupting. "What was that? You made me wait all that time just to hear that he **didn't **save her, and she **did** marry the prince? Grandpa! Come ON…that can't be right."_

"_Who's telling this thing, me or you? It happened just like I said. Now don't get yer dander all up, and listen, will ya? So. In the evening…_

-

…the townsfolk gathered in the palace square and she and Haroldink greeted them as their new king and queen. Wild cheers erupted from the crowd when they appeared on the dais, for the people were overjoyed by thoughts of the month-long festivities and partying that always followed a coronation. She waved silently to them. She would not cry—obviously the last few days had been but a dream, and _he_ was still dead—and then she forced a cordial smile when she chose to descend into the square and walk among her subjects.

The people bowed low as she passed, parting to let her walk through the throng untouched. All around her was silent as every villager stood still, mesmerized by her presence. A soft breeze, softer than the broken sigh that escaped her lips, wafted across her face and rustled her dress…then from somewhere to the left came the last thing on earth she could have ever expected to hear.

"BOOO!"

She turned toward the sound.

"BOOO! _Hsssssssssss_… Filth! Rubbish! BOOOOOO!"

A wretched, ancient hag shoved her way to the front of the crowd, brandishing her twisted staff toward Helganna. "BOOOO!" she jeered again with a cracked voice that echoed harshly through the otherwise silent air.

Helganna started. "Wh…why are you doing this?" she was finally able to stutter.

"Because you had _love_ in your hands—_true love,_ what found you 'gainst all odds, what saved you in the Fire Swamp—and you threw it away! Left it t' die alone, as you ran to save yer own mis'rable skin." The hag pointed one gnarled, accusing finger from under her dirty rags and scowled.

"But I had to…they might have _killed_ Arnold if I hadn't stopped them. Why didn't he come?"

"An' who would come fer you? _You_, who didn't stay, who didn't fight when it mattered, who wouldn't refuse to give up in spite o' what it cost you?" snarled the hag, now addressing the crowd with a sweep of her staff. "So bow t' her if you like. _Bow_ t' the lovely queen of Pigs! The queen of _Refuse_, of _Muck_…of _Slime_."

"Please. Stop it," said the bride.

"Heartless beast! _Hsssssssssssssssss_…"

"_STOP IT._"

"_BOOO_…**_BOOOO_**…_..**BOOOOOOOOOO!**..."_

-

Helganna shot upright in bed, shaking.

Three nights had passed since her rescue. The wedding was still a week away and her nightmares were growing steadily worse.

-

"_Told 'ya."_

"_Yes, yes," said Grandpa, "you're very smart. Shaddup."_

-

She had become more withdrawn than ever, seeing no one but the maidservants or Haroldink, who hadn't spoken more than a few sentences to her in passing. Void of conscious thought or definite feeling, she spent every waking hour wandering about the palace in a daze. The past few days were all jumbled together in her memory, mingling with the nightmares until she could not be sure what was real and what might have all been in her imagination. Her mind was still muddy with sleep, so she blinked in the darkness and waited for her thoughts to clear.

Then she remembered the dream and the hag's words echoed in her ears.

For the third night in a row, Helganna cried herself to sleep.

-

-----------------------------

A/N: The next part should be out within a couple weekends, and my plan is to update each weekend after that until finished. I'm expecting a similar length to the first half; 30-or-so more chapters grouped into about 17 posts. The chapters themselves will probably be longer for a while, too, due to an abundance of exposition. As a small bonus, I also hope to put online some of the old concept drawings and doodles I made when first writing this story and related others. (This is wholly dependent on a. whether I can _find_ them and get my scanner to work, and b. time permitting) If that crazy idea works out, I'll mention it in a future post. Till then, I keep my fingers crossed.


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